Dearest friends,
Duine-wu is near. It’s also known as Dragon (boats) Festival. But spring, is only beginning to leave, long after summer is expected. Getting up is always easier in warm weather, not that it bothers me. I don’t need alarm clocks anymore, for I’m not expected to show up at ‘work’, if you insist calling it that, before three in the afternoon.
I quit the job that marked me at least as productive, leaving all these excuses and reasoning behind, and started working at a place that plays Radiohead as loudly as possible first thing in the morning, well, afternoon. I’m losing the thing I’ve been trying so hard to follow, a plan, but found out, maybe for the first time, that I can have so much time to myself, in a day, sometimes just to do nothing at all, not even thinking, a thing I seldom tried before. I won’t be able to afford insurance, won’t be able to keep my money in the market. But if I should fall, maybe this piece of security is worth it, or maybe not. But I guess there’s no point of even saying “we’ll see” anymore. I am happy, even just for now. And yes, it actually feels like an adventure.
Ironically, without the security, I feel much more secured.
The other night, I laid on my motorcycle parked on the sidewalk. No one was around. I stared up at the leaves, wondering ‘how come I never did this before.’ Jewel has a crappy song called “Goodbye, Alice in wonderland”. It used to choke me, but right then, I thought I knew what she’s talking about.
I wish I could tell you if this feels right. But I don’t know. I’ll be lying if I tell you I don’t care. I still do, but not so much, and I’m trying, no to care at all.
Goodbye, the wayward life of trying to be a hero, a survivor, and a recognized figure which my name wouldn’t even matter. And goodbye, you are going to hate this word, to myself.
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