"There is something sad about him, for, unlike Basil and Dorian, he fails to commit himself. His life is vicarious."
~Alex Ross, Deceptive Picture, a piece about Oscar Wilde from the Aug. 8, 2011 issue of The New Yorker.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Strategy


Ben Stavisky stands in the hallway of a limestone building. He is surrounded by other contestants, few are women, most are men.
            Everyone is waiting.
            This disappointed building reminds him of his old school. There’s a smell, of time, of age, that makes this place, somehow, confusing. He’s disturbed. All the waiting only makes him more irritated. Images are collapsing into one another inside his head. He can’t concentrate. He’s obviously thinking about a lot of things, too many things exactly. But everything is sort of short circuited, jumping around, while he tries to stay still, mentally. In short, right now, he’s everything but calm, can not be trusted, should not be trusted. And this mysterious smell in the air is the only thing slightly romantic about it.
            Of course, he will say, this, is never a good idea, all the time and energy wasted only to prove the fact that he’s not who he knows he’s not. He could have go on with his usual and familiar life, a life that’s almost comforting. But he just has to stand here, to embarrass himself to a degree that’s almost not healthy. This happens all the time. But he never learns how to stop.
            There are some who, at the first glance, are surely, people like him, with their hyperactive blinking of the eyes and the exaggerated nervousness. The smiles on their faces that’s not entirely facial expression marks the common hopelessness they share despite the overreacted pretence to act annoyed, at the door that just won’t open.
            But there are some who, also at the first glance, put them into a deeper despair. Take that Jap girl with the bright orange hair, or maybe wig, for instance, one of the few female competitors, wearing God-knows-what  anime costume and a pitch black heavy eye shadow that reminds him of the juicy filling of a Chinese sweet, sesame or something, who’s flipping through comics with a cigarette in her hand, not looking at anyone, probably can’t see anyone for she doesn’t need to, and no one matches her stare anyway. Or take that poor kid, gypsy or middle-eastern, who’s so poor that he probably smells. He holds on tight to a violin case, and on the contrary, staring at everyone, no fear, no uncertainty. Everybody knows that he must be more than a genius to get this far without a penny. And also that delicate looking man, well, there really isn’t anything too threatening about him, but man he’s pretty.
            And they, the rest, the normal, the low key, are a joke. Chances of waiting should be eliminated as possible now he comes to think of it.
            Rushed feet are heard down the hall. Several nicely suited bodyguards escort a fifty-ish man, dressed in a rather sophisticated style, with long limbs and a lean body, a straight face, gray short hair on top. The suddenness of this appearance, the swiftness of their steps makes it more like an attack. The Doctor stops amid the people. And the bodyguards fan out to all sides on cue. The Doctor stands still, observing the contestants around him with his brow arched and lips meanly tightened, likely mocking at those who circle him.
            The Doctor’s gaze sweeps past the girl with the orange hair, but than turns back to her for two more seconds. The girl still has the cigarette in her hand, loosely held on the tip of her index finger, while her other hand holds the comic book which still attracts most of her attention. The doctor doesn’t even try to hide his contempt at the sight of her. And Ben feels triumph.
            “That,” The Doctor points at the girl. And a nearby bodyguard immediately steps forward at the instant. “Can go.” The girl disappears almost at the same time, leaving no time to reflect, not even to close her comics. The Doctor obviously isn’t a fan of eyeliners.
            It’s only natural that people acted surprised. But in the meantime, it seems equally important to make a dashing first impression. Unfortunately, The Doctor just ignores these. He puts his hand on the back of the boy with the violin. The boy stares back with his clean, big, bright eyes, as if he can’t feel anything. The doctor tries to smile, it seems like, but he frowns instead.
            “You can go upstairs.”
            Now, people are really surprised.
            Another bodyguard steps forward and politely gestures to the boy to follow him. The boy turns to go with his limping, ugly, unbearable-to-look-at steps. Ben feels blood rushing into his ears and his head.
            “Okay. Which one of you is…” The doctor stops and turns to a tiny woman behind him, invisible till this moment.
            “Adam Bergman, sir.” The woman suggests.
            “Adam Bergman?” The doctor looks at the crowd.
            A medium built blonde raises his hand. He wears a light blue shirt tucked into silky khaki pants. He has proportionate facial feature and a set of thick brows, looking rich and Ivy League.
             “Tell me,” the doctor looks at him. “What’s the, sonic microwave? Random location? What is it? Where does that come from?”
            The blonde pauses for a second but quickly smiles confidently. “Simultaneous sonic ultra wave reconstructive self diagnosed identification is a kind of…”
            “That thing, where does that come from? How do you measure the ultra wave? And with what?” The Doctor interrupted.
             His smile fades a little. The blonde looks hurt, but he calmly proceeds. “Thousands of discarded CMOS of digital cameras and some, say, secret weapon.” The blonde smiles fully again.
            The Doctor arches his eyebrows even higher, if that’s physically possible. “Interesting. But how do you use it to create?” The Doctor challenges.
            The blonde pauses again, of course, everybody knows that’s for the theatrical effect. “A single point ultra wave is, well, a single point ultra wave.”
            The Doctor laughs, and people follow sue. That’s at least one simultaneity about the whole practice.
            The blonde now looks more confident, showing his teeth and speaking louder, he continues. “ But two parallel single point ultra waves subjected by two adjacent emitters,” The blonde puts both his index fingers together to demonstrate his theory. “ Interferes, with no possible prediction, each other’s direction.” There the blonde pauses again, but for another reason.
            “I see. And how do you do that?”
            The blonde looks at the Doctor in the eyes. “If you believe it, Xbox controllers.”
            The Doctor stares back at him with his eyes lit, after two seconds of silence, he announces. “You’re in.”
            Another bodyguard escorts the blonde guy away. People feel uneasy. If the Doctor must do this, they might be able tolerate the injustice bestowed for the benefit of the poor boy. After all, they are all responsible for what he has been through. But to allow this cocky Mr. I-have-it-all to pass without even a trial? That’s simply outrageous. It doesn’t even have anything to do with creativity. And all that crap about garbage and game handles, Ben can’t understand a stupid word of it. He kinda senses it’s something sexual. It can be some sort of secret language of these kinds. That’s why the Doctor’s all happy and intrigued.
            Now, the Doctor walks to yet another man whom he obviously met before. The Doctor mutters something in his ear, in a foreign language. The man looks around him nervously, and whispers something back. The Doctor leans back a little looking troubled, and nods. The man looks around him again and unfastens the first three buttons of his shirt, showing the Doctor the upper part of his chest. The Doctor, disgusted, looks in, as if requested to inspect a rotting wound. The Doctor’s frown suddenly relaxes, then becomes fascinated. Ten seconds pass, the man now looks rather impatient. The others watch, too. Then The Doctor nods again, for a moment, almost seems helpless. And waves to the guards, sending the third man upstairs before the audition officially starts.
            The surprise and withheld anger of the rest of the people now turns to simply wordlessness and silence. The Doctor circles around them again. Everybody tries to convince himself that he’s going to be the next. Even when the Doctor passes, they all assume he’s going to turn back to bravo on the stuff they lied on their resume. So they prepare their best speech on the tip of their tongue, ready to spit out any minute now. The poor Ben, can’t remember what’s on his application.
            But nothing happens. The Doctor instructs a staff member. Then without hesitation, literally storms out when bodyguard automatically circles him forming a despicable rain cloud. Hair is blown. Faces are dripping with defeat.
            Staff in gray uniform takes over. That long expected door finally opens. But it’s now unforeseeably depressing, marking the end of the real audition, and the start of the fruitless struggle. Even the staff doesn’t care. A woman with her hair tied up asks people to sit wherever they prefer.
            Assistants hands out pieces of paper, apparently examination sheets. People hold the paper in their hand, briefly look at the few capital letters printed on it, then quickly turn to look at the woman, motionlessly waiting for further instruction which holds the key to their ultimate fate and fortune.
            The woman looks back at the contestants, too. She tries to smile sweetly at first. But as if she can’t hide some devastating fact, like a medical test result, anymore, she sighs, and decides to break the bad news.
            “That’s all.”
            People look at her, listening for more.
            “Listen, that’s all. That’s it.” The woman reassures, “I mean, it. This is the only instruction we get. We don’t know what to do either.” The woman turns up her hands, meaning there’s no help nor explanation that she can offer. Then she goes back to smile benignly at the people, except she now has something to muse with.
            Muffled complains are heard, and of course, people try to look at each other’s paper, looking for clues they don’t have on their own. But soon, one after another, sinks in.
            Ben looks at the meaningless letters on his piece of paper, it was in the crossword puzzle section the last time he saw something slightly resembles what he’s looking at right now. And he hasn’t done any crossword puzzles since he was eight. It’s a decryption test. Ben is almost sure of it. But he can’t figure out why, a research team, needs someone good at pointless skills such as super ass kissing and this.
            Ben is still looking at the paper when he hears someone starting writing, the first fighter fights alone for three spare seconds, then the whole orchestra starts their pathetic portrait of the chaotic symphony. God knows what exactly they put down with their scribbling pens making scraping sounds when none of it makes sense.
            Ben writes “ooster” after a capital “R”. It’s easily to feel the frustration. He could put something more elegant, more sophisticated, more academic. He doesn’t even need to put “R” at the beginning, if he can call that creative. But he feels like he needs to do something a little reckless. Ben looks at the “Rooster”. Maybe he should be more dramatic, like the invisible hand on the wall before the feast of the king, announcing a deadly fate, ‘Repent’, or the last strength of a dying man writing with his own blood announcing the name causing his deadly fate, ‘Ronan’. Or maybe he should blacken the whole paper, but then it reminds him of the girl with the orange hair. Or maybe he should write ‘Screw you! What the hell is this?!’.
            Ben carries on with the ridiculous audition. Suddenly, the woman sitting in front of him screamed. People raise their heads to look at her, at each other, at the staff, then turns back to their destiny. The woman is looking for something on the ground, under her chair, under someone else’s chair, at someone else’s paper, then finally turns to Ben smiling.
            “Excuse me, it’s a, it’s under your chair.”
            Ben looks down. But remembering his work is now open before the woman, he picks up the piece of paper and presses it to his chest. The woman laughs nervously.
            “C’mon.”
            The woman bends down, trying to reach down when Ben looks down again and finds the hair ribbon now lying smirking just beside his old best shoes.
            “Well, do you mind?” the woman demands.
            Of course he does. Ben lifts his head at the staff who doesn’t seem to care. So he reaches down slowly, picks up the ribbon and hands it to the woman.
            Ben looks at the staff again. For a moment, he feels that he saw something like a sneer on their faces.
            “Shit.” Ben thinks. “I shouldn’t have done that.” He now suspects that the real audition, is not the piece of paper, but what they do, they, sitting there on these chairs. Ben panics. He shouldn’t pay any attention to that crazy bitch. He shouldn’t look. And worst of all, he shouldn’t pick up that ribbon. Jesus, bitch!
            Realizing this as well, the room starts to get out of control. A man stands up and starts chanting. He tries to make it sound like a pious poetry reading. But what’s spoken out loud are names of candies and exotic delicacy. Some one starts dancing, tearing out the paper, and not just his own. Someone starts singing the Broadway version of “Memory”. Someone breaks down, cries and runs for the door. Someone throws at the man just ran out. A woman starts stripping and touching herself. A man tries to touch her and they kiss. A man does the same. Another man tries to touch him and they kiss, all the same. Someone holds up a sign, protesting ‘Act now! You punk!’.
            Ben holds his pen tightly again. But when he looks at the stupid piece of paper, his head goes blank. He lifts his head, trying to ignore the cuddling foursome orgy. Then He spots the surveillance camera waving from the ceiling.
            “Fuck!” Apart from that. His head is still blank, not like ‘oh, I don’t know where to begin’, but like ‘blank’, ‘nada’, ‘blank”. He has no idea what he’s doing. He kind of senses he’s going to draw something, something to do with video games. But he just don’t know what he’s doing.
            “Hey! You!” The woman before him screams again, now directly at Ben. Ben lifts his head, staring with hatred at this woman that set him up and ruined everything, who, at the same time, from the same perspective, stares back, also with hatred, even to the more extreme, at the man who set her up and ruined everything.
            “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” The woman questions.
            “Wha?” Ben looks at the woman, doesn’t know what to say. He turns to the staff asking for help. The woman with her hair tied up, the one who speaks, sees him, but she shrouds, gesturing that there’s nothing she can do.
            “Right, we also have another instruction, not to interfere.” Then she turns away. The foursome group is now making all sorts of sounds.
            “Interfere my ass!” Ben shouts.
The woman before him now looks like she’s possessed by some evil spirit with her eyes turning upward, and mouth dripping.
“Why did you do that?! What have I ever done to you?!” The woman cries.
There’s also nothing he can do, nothing he can say. Ben wants to scream back. But he doesn’t know if that’s smart.
Ben looks at the woman, then turns to look at the piece of paper before him. He holds his pen tightly, looks at the woman, looks at the staff, and looks at the paper. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and looks at the paper again. He doesn’t know what to do. He has yet to prove that he, Ben Stavisky, despite all that, amid the mess, is also, without a doubt, highly talented. But how?

#23, fiction- Strategy


Ben Stavisky stands in the hallway of a limestone building. He is surrounded by other contestants, few are women, most are men.
            Everyone is waiting.

Dearest friends,

I wrote the Chinese version of this short story in April, 2008. This March, I failed to come up with an idea for a new story. So I decided to turn this old piece into English. The funny thing is, I felt that what had been put into the story was exactly what I was doing when I was rewriting the story into English: I was also trying to prove that I worth something.
I got a somewhat ‘professional’ feedback/correction of a story I’ll send you next month called Amber Field. I like the story a lot. But I’m afraid it’s not as sophisticated as I thought it is. At some point, she even hinted that I need to take English lessons, mark that it’s English lessons, not even writing lessons. I have to admit that I was discouraged a little. But I stuck to my writing plan. Later, when I finished a new story, I felt better.
Someone asked me what I write. I told him I write things I want to write. He told me I am wasting my time. Am I? No, I don’t think so. It’s the only thing true about me. I want to leave something before it’s too late. And I’m afraid I’m already running out of time.
            What is my plan then? My plan is that I want to keep writing before I give in.

Preview- Amber Field
The police came. I turned to look at dad who stood still in the field, knees bended, arms half raised, half down. He looked at the police car with his mouth open, gasping for air. His blonde hair now turned dark, dripping. His tanned skin was covered with sweat, like beads, sliding down his chest, heaving with his heavy breathing, his eyes blinking. He didn’t look like dad anymore. He’s that boy, the boy I never met, handsome, sexy, beautiful, exotic, smart, young boy, lost in the fighting locals and people who turned away, but at last, set free.

Monday, July 25, 2011

#22, at the end of the day


It’s Wednesday afternoon, the day is clouded. But it doesn’t seem like it’s going to rain, at least, not anytime soon. There is a gap in the sky revealing a big chunk of bright blue heaven beyond it all. And temporarily, once or twice, the sun shines through, and the wind blows by, makes me want to do nothing but to hit the road, and ride north, if there’s still a way to the Pacific that I can just roam on and on. It’s a weird view, though. The sky is dark, but the earth shines brightly, and people, or so I imagine, are content.
            I saw this couple by the road. They were setting up the food stand for the night market. The man was smoking a few feet off while the woman talked away in silent language, pouring custard on the plate at the same time. The man smiled back at her, gestured something back in response. The wind blew on the screen, making flipping noises. The man finally walked up to the stand and readjusted the plastic screen when he finished his cigarette, his arms tanned a burnt brown by the sun going on for ages.
            It looks like the end of the world. But it feels like everything’s gonna be fine, and the world will go on.

Dearest friends,

I was never really a big fan of action movies, probably ever since I was 15 and realized that the hero always ended up kissing a girl, and always, at the most awkward moment. But lately, whenever I decided to rent a movie, I often ended up browsing into the action aisle. There is one theme that’s kinda grown on me: Armageddon.
            I loved seeing the city deserted in “I Am Legend,” and reflected on how vulnerable the human species is. The same goes for the British “The day of the triffids”, basically the same storytelling with different twists. “Blindness” where Juliane Moore stands alone to fight the darkest part of human hearts, “The day the earth stops turning”, a remake that complimented on the original movie, somehow a little bit cliché but at least, entertaining. Although the main character looks like he just walks in from another series of movies of his (is that even the same suit?). And “Knowing”, I’m not gonna lie, it’s bad, but man, what a great final blow-up of the earth!
            I think some will agree with me, we dig stories that the earth is going to an end over and over again. Maybe the liking is psychological. We see how the world is going to end, different versions of it, so that we get to decide how surreal it’s going to be in real life. Or maybe, just as one of the stories implies, the liking is of the need for a fable, so that we can eventually find a reason to change.
            But what is it about the end of things? If, now this won’t be the first I personally use this phrasing, but what will I feel if the end of the world is actually near, or when it comes knocking on my door? If I were to wake up and find that 28 days ago, before I went into a temporary coma, the world was infected with a disease with no cure and everyone else was turned into monsters, well, to be frank, I’d probably be a little excited to go on a shopping trip. But will I find the determination to fight my way through? No, I’d probably end it myself: if the world’s ruined, if all the people I know were gone, if there was no one else, no one else, what then, is the point to live?
            The list will no doubt be a lot longer had I tried to answer this question when I was little. But thanks to current technology, I can include a lot of things with it: compact disc, music and movies that get to be recorded and distributed to everywhere in the world, lasting for a decent amount of time. Centuries ago, only the every elite got to enjoy entertainment. But now, it’s available to an awful lot more people. And what’s more is that we now get to relive it whenever we like to, replay our favorite course or scene over and over again like we are some sort of psycho.
            Which reminds me that iPod accounted for number two, for it makes it possible wherever we go. We could be stuck in traffic, jammed to the ugly face of that old woman who squeezed herself in on the train. True, but if we click on the podcast news, we go live with the world. If we click on Radiohead, we’ll play the leading character in an indie movie. And of course, we can always listen to Enya, close our eyes and try to listen to our souls. Or better yet, we can be rock stars on our way to work, walking home late at night, or at the meeting if you have long hair and look very serious drawing smiley faces on your wordpad.
            Pets, which exist mostly for our emotional benefits. They can be ‘just pets’ when we go shopping for pet food and decide to pick the cheapest brand, or when we have sex on the couch and they stand at the corner watching which help making it not emotional scarring. Or they can be ‘Pets’ with the capital P, as in God, when they lie hopelessly in our arms that we can almost hear them say ‘I won’t be here without you’, how they are always there regardless of which program you want to watch on TV, or when they pee on the tricycle the stupid kid from next door left on the sidewalk, good boy.
            Coffee, but I mention this purely for sentimental reason. God forbids, but if the kingdom is really at hand, I don’t see the point anymore to stay focus. Oh, so for that matter, maybe a few bottles of whiskey.
            And just as in half of the movies about the end of the world. I surely will miss New York City if she went down. The other day, I was watching the remake of “The Taking of Pelham123” (what is it about remakes with the film industry?!), I found that I agreed with the character when he points out at the view of the city of New York and finds what he’s fighting for, even if I’m not a freakin’ New Yorker. I looked at my pathetic 21” TV at the bird-sight view of the place that’s been on my mind for I don’t even know how long. New York has a charm on non-residents from all over the world, so many who’s been trying to get there, so many that believe the answers they’re looking for lie within. I have to secretly confess. I feel that I live on some level, to see the city again. Isn’t that strange now? I wish I know why.
            Stories, that includes literature, motion pictures, comic, plays and, you bet you, gossip. If we live in a world without imagination, what’s the fun of that?
            Boots. Okay, I admit that this might be a judgment’s call. But I just love boots. Dr. Martins, laced up and covered by jeans, or set lose and out of the jeans. Some times I wear them with shorts. Or my ‘city’ cowboy boots, and my steel head 17” motorcycle boots. I always feel that I am taking on the world when I walk on the streets with a pair of boots on my feet. That, alone, I think is worth dying for.
            Linen, yes, the simplest form of satisfaction. In winter time, after a hard day’s work (which is ironic, because I now devote all my energy NOT to have a hard day’s work), after a shower, what’s more comforting than to bury myself under layers of linen and flip through The New Yorker drawings, or a series of cheap thrill stories? Or in spring, when you wake up with the fan blowing your way, and the clear day outside your window, the sound of the traffic that you finally get used to, don’t you think that you couldn’t possibly ask for anything else?
            Printer and A4 paper. They, yes, I AM serious, give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment. I think it’s wonderful to have dreams, even if I don’t really understand what they are. So far, I take joy at typing myself out on the screen and print them out on paper. Finding mistakes in it, maybe going through a few lines that make me feel dwarfted because they are so bad, it still makes me feel that I ‘m held together and relieved that I’m at least free on paper, free from judgement. If you could but see from my perspective, whenever I turn on my MacBook, during the brief moments as the CPU slowly wakes up, when I look left, and zoom in a little, at the HP printer and the stack of A4 paper, the cheapest I found at the wholesale, I can’t help but feel that they are my friends, most devoted kind of companionship, waiting quietly, to repeat after what I have to say.
            Lastly, although I can’t really say I understand what it is, I think the idea of a lover is a very strong point to let go. The idea of finally being understood and appreciated by another person, accepted completely, even those things not to like about me. The idea of someone to turn to, to confess to, to trust, and occasionally (the severity of this point depends on what sort of folks one hangs out with), to defend you off the accusation of being alone. Even when things look pretty hopeless, don’t you want to hang on a little bit more because it might still happen?
            Surely, I’ll be sad, if everything is going to an end, but not completely, for there is also so much that’s wrong with the world. Maybe it would be a completely different story when the end of the world is actually in my face. Maybe I wouldn’t really care about all that, and would go like ‘Hell no, I’m not gonna die today!” So maybe, for me, the liking of the end is to speculate about a reason to live. So it’s actually, for now instead of the possible future. And you’ll probably hate it, but I think for me, the most important factor of it all, would be love. Not just love as in sex, but also love, for a day like this, thinking about the end of days at the end of the day when none of it is at sight, except for a romantic and dramatic natural settings in the back. Instead of being reasons not to die, are these strong enough to be the reasons to live? To be frank, I don’t know, as it is.