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arla didn’t finish her cigarette. She shouted from the door.
“Okay,
girls. I’m leaving without you.”
Carla
walked to the end of the stairs, listening to the shrieks and giggles of the
girls as they chased each other around the house.
“Mommy,
mommy!”
Steps stumped down the stairs.
Britney was ahead. Her eyes lightened up when she fixed her stare at Carla.
Carla knew she’s going to do that again. She called it the Kamikaze attack.
Britney jumped into Carla’s arms. Carla thought to herself: this must be what
playing football was like.
“What did I tell you? Don’t ever do
that again.”
“But mommy, Nellie is…”
“I did not! She’s…”
“Okay, okay, okay, I don’t want to
hear it. Now get in the car, your grandfather is waiting. Nellie, get the bag.”
“Why!?”
“Fine,
Britney, get the bag.”
“No!
She asked me!”
“She
asked me!”
Carla
walked to the kitchen and checked the door which she locked five minutes ago.
She checked the windows. She checked the dishwasher. She unplugged the toaster.
She walked up to the second floor to make sure all lights were off. But after a
second thought, she flipped the bathroom light on.
She
checked her purse again, checkbook, papers from the court and Mike’s lawyer,
money. Then she remembered her cell phone, so she went back up to the bedroom.
When
she walked down, she found the girls at the door.
“Get
in the car, girls.”
“Mommy,
I need to pee.”
Carla
sighed, “go. Nellie, get in the car and stay with the baby.”
“I
need to pee, too.”
“Pee
in the back yard.”
“No!”
Natalie
rushed up the stair. After a spare seconds, she started pounding on the
bathroom door.
“Natalie
Williams! Stop it!”
“Mommy!
She locked the door!”
Carla
could hear Britney shouted something back. She walked to the kitchen and
decided to pack some snack.
After
the girls were done. Carla walked back up again, and absent-mindedly, turned
off the light.
She
apologized when she got in the driver’s seat and secured the seatbelt.
“Sorry,
Sam.”
Carla
expected Sam to offer to drive. Not that she’d accept it, but he should at
least ask. But Sam said nothing. The baby was wide awake. She looked with her
curious big round blue eyes at Britney’s finger which she grasped with her tiny
little hand. The girls were still fighting. Carla slowly pulled out of the
driveway.
|
S
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he must be seven or
eight, or maybe even older, although she felt small. She remembered it’s a long
way. They drove for days. Carla’s grandfather just died and left Paulo a sum of
money that funded the trip. Had she been a boy, they would have had two shares,
Carla’s mother argued. Carla was sitting in the back seat, feeling ashamed.
Carla
was not talking to Paulo who’s complaining loudly how boring it was to sit next
to his sister and how much he missed his friends. Carla’s father focused on the
road and did not say anything. He just smoked. Carla’s mother was painting her
nails and once or twice said something short and smart to Paulo’s whining.
“You
can get out of the car if you want. Just ask your father to stop the car. We
will probably be home at the same time you walk back.”
“Why
don’t you ask Carla to get out? She’s useless.”
If
father stopped the car, Carla would get out and start walking, taking only her
bear and nothing else, Carla thought.
“She’s
not the one who’s complaining. Go stay with whoever you like, go stay with your
friends, or strangers. At least I wouldn’t need to wash your dirty clothes no
more.”
Paulo
said nothing but turned and punched Carla on her arm.
“Paulo
Cunha!” mother scolded.
Carla did not feel defended. They are all
her enemy, father included, who betrayed her with his silence.
They
drove on. And soon Carla fell asleep. She couldn’t remember how long. Carla
remembered looking out the car window at the bug like ashes half asleep. Then
suddenly realized it’s not ashes and it’s not bugs. It’s snow.
“Mama,
it’s snow!”
Mother
was asleep. So was Paulo. Carla shook him.
“Paulo,
Paulo, it’s snowing.”
Paulo
mumbled and slowly opened his eyes.
“Look,
it’s snow.”
Paulo
looked out. Quietly, he reached and held Carla’s hand.
Paulo
puked when he got out of the car. Mother said that it’s because he didn’t wear
his coat while father kicked snow to cover the vomit, a cigarette in one hand.
It
seemed like they were on the road for a long time. Carla was now very used to
living in a car. She’d stuff their bags before the seat and put coats and
blankets over them, making it a nice cushioned corner. Then she would sit
against the back of the driver’s seat with her face facing the road they
traveled so she could stretch her legs.
One
day. They got out of the car and drank from the icy stream. The water was cold
and sweet. Across the road was an endless field with acres and acres of tall
sunflowers staring at the sun.
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arla put on her
sunglasses and pulled down the shield. The sun was now hurting her eyes. Sam
switched the radio to some country music which was irritating her the more. But
it would be rude to suggest they tune in to another channel or turn off the
radio. It didn’t really matter, the girls were too loud anyway.
“Mind
if I smoke?”
Sam
asked.
“Sorry,
Sam, no, not with the girls and baby in the car.”
Carla
looked at Sam. But Sam just stared before him.
“We
can stop at the store if you want.”
“It’s
okay.”
“You
sure? We need to get some water any way.”
“Yeah,
really, I’m okay.”
“Mommy,
are we going to the store?”
“Can
we get some ice cream?”
“Quiet, girls.”
“You promise?”
Carla ignored the girls and drove on pass the blocks.
“Mommy?”
Carla said nothing.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Are we going to see daddy?”
“Yes.”
“Did you bring my drawing?”
“What drawing?”
“I want to give it to daddy.”
“We’ll give it to him next time.”
“But…”
“Mommy?”
“What?”
“Is daddy coming home?”
“Yes,” Carla felt a shiver, “but not after a while.”
“But you said,”
“Daddy is coming home, just a little while.”
They drove on. It reminded Carla of the trip they took when she was
young. How she wish it would never end. But not this time, right now, Carla
wished she could stop, slam the door and run, away from home, away from the
girls, who are forever asking questions, even the baby, who just made her feel
so tired and guilty.
“What does Mike plead now?”
Carla said nothing. They had no money. And what’s the use? Mike probably
did it. There’s nowhere out of it.
“We are not pleading anything.”
After Mike was arrested, the man who also called himself Frank stopped
by, with another bulky man that claimed to be a friend of Mike’s. Carla assumed
he’s the man Mike worked for, and who put him in the prison, away from his real
responsibility.
That Frank said that he’ll take care of everything, and that Mike’d be
home in no time. Carla thanked him with the baby inside her.
It’s been more than a year now. Mike’s going nowhere. And Carla, was
going on her way down.
These
days, after Mike’s whisked away, Carla had been thinking. Perhaps, when Mike
proposed that they move here, away from the city, was to run away from it all.
Maybe he tried. But Carla never asked him.
Whatever
it was. It’s not working. Even after two kids, Mike’s still doing it, and
finally got himself caught, or sold out before they had the unexpected third.
Carla
stopped at the store.
“Okay,
I’m gonna get something to drink on the road. Sam, you need anything?”
“No,
I’m good.”
Carla
looked into the rearview mirror, at the girls and the baby, then she got out of
the car.
“No,
Nellie, stay in the car with your sisters, I’m gonna be real quick. Britney,
get in the car.”
“I
want to go with you.”
“I
said, get in the car.”
Carla
slammed the car door and walked to the store. She looked back before she went
in. The girls were still outside the car, looking at her. Sam climbed out, and
slowly lighted a cigarette, and blew out, a visible deep breath.
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arla fished out a
cigarette, her hands were shaking, she couldn’t hold a cup. She flipped the lighter,
once, twice, the third time. It didn’t light.
“what…”
Carla
mumbled. She put down her hand, the unlit cigarette still in her mouth. Then
she tried again, and finally smoked.
Carla
stood outside the café. She didn’t want to encourage customers to speak to her.
She edged to the store front, turned her head to the other side, away from the
comfy light inside and the exhausted or excited crowd on the street. She pulled
her coat tightly and blew out nervous, quick little puffs.
Carla
put out her cigarette on the wall. Immediately, she heard knocks on the glass.
A regular tipped his head and waved goodbye in one simple gesture. Carla smiled
and blew him a kiss. Then she adjusted her purse and headed home.
It’s
six thirty. Carla was supposed to finish her shift thirty minutes ago. There’s
an one hour ride back to Brooklyn.
Carla
pushed the turnstile and quickly walked out of the subway. Her boots were wet
and the soles were hurting her feet. She walked in the apartment building,
accidentally slammed the door behind her. A neighbor down the hall made a
likewise noise. Carla rushed up the metal stairs.
It
made Carla mad. She could tell that Paulo was sleeping in her bed, probably
with his dirty clothes on. She flipped on the light.
“Paulo!”
Paulo
was startled and immediately sat up on her bed. He looked at Carla with his
eyes red and a frightened and lost stare. Paulo slept on his coat. The bed was
otherwise made. Carla felt sorry.
“I
didn’t know you were here. You scared me.”
Paulo
mumbled apologies and something about couldn’t sleep in the living room.
“You
can sleep in my bed. I don’t care. Come.”
Carla
gestured to remove the covering and to take off Paulo’s shoes. But Paulo stood
up and walked in the bathroom.
Carla
handed Paulo a towel.
“Did
you go out today?”
Paulo
shook his head.
“I
was so exhausted.”
“From
what? All you did was sleep.”
“I
am so tired.”
“Well,
do you still want to go out tonight?”
Paulo
said nothing.
“Come
on, I’m starving.”
When
they walked out the door, onto the littered street, Paulo reached and held
Carla’s hand, as if they were still kids. It made Carla feel like a lover.
Carla hooked Paulo’s arm, and pressed her breast to his arm.
“Are
you mad?”
Paulo
shook her off.
“What?”
Paulo
walked ahead.
“Nothing.”
They
had Chinese food. Paulo didn’t want to take the train, and didn’t want to spend
too much money.
“Mama
said she wants to come.”
“No.”
“She
wants to see you.”
“No.
You can just tell her no. I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“You
can’t live like this. New York is dangerous. This place is dangerous.”
Paulo
lowered his voice suddenly, and looked nervously at the man just walked in.
“I
like it here. Paulo.”
“What?
I can’t sleep for the last two days because there are always cars…”
“You’re just paranoid, there are no cars…”
“There are cars, and noise, and who knows, maybe gunshots and siren, and
noise.”
“It’s
perfectly safe. New York is crowded. So is every other city. You are saying
that because you haven’t really seen the city yet. All you do is sleep.”
“What’s
there to see? I can’t afford it. We can’t afford it.”
“I
like it here.”
Anna
said she would join them. But she’s out all night. So the next day, Carla and
Paulo went out by themselves. Carla took Paulo to downtown Manhattan and
Brooklyn Bridge. The day was clear and sunny, the blue too rich behind the sun
washed structure. They walked past a photo shooting on the bridge. And they
stopped to gaze at the Statue of Liberty yearning for new comers out from the
graying sea.
Paulo
complained about everything, the walking, the bagel and coffee they had in the
morning, the subway, and the bikes on the bridge. But Carla remained cheerful.
It’s nice to have someone around.
Paulo
stopped at a store and bought a bottle of beer. The clerk wrapped the beer in
paper bag. Paulo said he didn’t need it. But the clerk did it any way. Out of
the store, Paulo threw out the brown paper bag and finished the beer in what
seemed like a minute. Finally, Carla got depressed.
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arla got Sam a cold
beer. Sam thanked her. Natalie were grumpy because Carla decided not to get
them any ice cream and candy. Instead, she handed Nellie juice which was now
lying on the car floor while Britney slowly sipped on hers. Carla changed the
baby’s diaper and watched Britney feed her water. Natalie slammed the door.
Carla said nothing.
They
drove in silence for a while. Then Carla stopped again for lunch. Still, Carla
ordered no dessert, and Natalie refused to eat.
Before
they hit the road again, Sam asked if he should drive. Carla didn’t answer and
said nothing.
|
“M
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ind if I drive?”
Carla
asked. Mike looked at Carla, said nothing first, but finally made a go-ahead
nod. Carla took the keys and hopped in the driver’s seat while Mike slowly
walked over to the other side.
Carla
liked Mike. He’s quiet and didn’t talk much. He might not be handsome, but he’s
adorable and had a boyish quality that made Carla want to feel his arms, his
back, his bottom and his strong thighs, or simply just rob him all over.
Mike
was patient, too. He didn’t say anything when Carla made a few wrong turnings.
It’s
Thanksgiving. And they suggested they should spend it together on their first
date. They went to a Greek restaurant in Midtown. The old lady kept touching
Mike on his shoulder and on his back while casting suspicious looks at her. The
meal was not particularly good. The turkey was dry. The pumpkin pie was too
sweet and had a weird chemical taste to it.
After
a few drinks, Carla started asking several more daring questions. When asked
about his first experience, Mike said it was with a boy from school when he was
nine. He also talked about his first job at an adult video store.
Carla,
on the other hand, decided to remain discreet but technically honest about her
story. She didn’t tell him it was till when she’s twenty-two. And she didn’t
tell him she once did it for money, nor did she plan to, ever.
After
dinner, they went back to her apartment. And they fucked.
When
Mike came, he didn’t scream or yell. He just breathed, heavily, on her ear, and
then he kissed her cheek. It made Carla want to marry him right then.
The
next day, Carla tried to make breakfast. But she kept burning the eggs.
Finally, she decided to toss out the eggs, and crept back to bed, and hugged
Mike, across his hairy chest, like a prize.
They
went out for a few weeks. It might end had it not been the attack. One sunny
day, the planes hit the twin towers.
The
café was closed for a few days. But Carla was not worrying about money. She’s
worrying about something far more surreal. After the attack, there’s the war.
Then the subway started to look like scenes in sci-fi movies, instead of
perverts and rapists, monsters now lurked in the dark. Carla started to lose
sleep, but gained some weight.
One
day, Mike proposed they get married and have a baby, maybe move out of town,
all at once. Lost, Carla said yes.
She
supposed she, on some level, never really realized it was a person till Natalie
started to scream.
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|
he baby couldn’t
stop crying. Carla stopped the car to change her diaper again, but it was
clean. Carla tried to feed her, but the baby wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t drink, even
Natalie started to look guilty.
Carla
held the baby in her arms and rocked her. The baby was too big now, her arms
hurt. The sun was high. Carla was agitated and started to sweat. It was nearly
one in the afternoon. There’s still a long way to the prison and she’s going to
miss the hour. Sam did not ask to drive again. Carla pulled out the baby
carrier and turned the radio off. She sat back in the car and turned the baby
to face the road. Carla sat in the car and tried to put the baby to sleep.
When
the baby finally slept, Carla slowly started driving. Sam said he should better
drive. But Carla paused for two seconds, and said it’s okay, didn’t turn her eyes
off the road.
It’s
too crammed now with the baby on her lap. Carla couldn’t drive properly and she
started to get scared. Her cell phone rang. Carla asked Britney to get the cell
phone from her purse. The ringing stopped, but then it started again.
“Yes?”
“Good
afternoon, This is Nasha from Sergeant Commercial Bank. May I please speak to
Mrs. Williams?”
“Yeah?”
“Hi,
Mrs. Williams. How are you?”
Carla
said nothing.
“I’m
calling regarding a recent purchase you made on May twen…”
“Yeah,
I know. I told you I bought no such a thing.”
“Yes,
we understand. We…”
“Listen,
you guys called and said I bought a three hundred dollar bathrobe in Kentucky.
I don’t even live in the state.”
“Yes,
we…”
“No.
I have three kids to feed. There’s no way I’m gonna enjoy the luxury of
something like that.”
“Yes,
we completely understand.”
“Good.”
There’s
pause at the other end.
“We’d
terminated the payment of this particular purchase. However, we fear that since
your credit card information had been used by a third party other than
yourself, you privacy might had been invaded. We strongly suggest you
terminated this credit card and apply for a new card.”
“Good.”
“Should
we enclose a new application to your former billing address?”
“Fine,
that’d be great. Thanks.”
“We
also need an affidavit denouncing this purchase, just for the record. Should we
also include it in the mail?”
“Yeah.
Thanks.”
“Not
a problem. Mrs. Williams, we apologize for the inconvenience. But we do feel
that it’s our obligation to remind you that credit card fraud is a criminal
violation against federal laws.”
Carla
said nothing.
“Thank
you for your time, Mrs. Williams. Is there anything else we can be of
assistance?”
“No,
that’d be all.”
“Thank
you. Have a good day.”
Carla
left the earpiece on. She gently rocked the baby on her lap. She kept her eyes
on the road and quietly pushed the gas.
|
“H
|
ello?”
“Yeah,
Frankie.”
“I’m
sorry?”
“I
need to talk to Frankie. Just put him on the phone, will ya?”
“Er,
sorry, there’s a.., there’s no Frankie here, must be a wrong number.”
Mike
took the phone from Carla and mouthed ‘I got it.’
Carla
looked at Mike, with the new born Natalie in her arms. Before Mike shut the
door completely, he said:
“This
is Frankie.”
|
“T
|
hey are after a man
called Frankie.
Carla
threw the cigarette out the car and turned to look at Sam. Sam looked back but
didn’t say anything. The girls were asleep. The baby is fastened back on her
seat in the back. They were just a few miles from the prison.
“Yeah,
Frankie.
Carla
nodded to no one.
“Mike
called himself Frankie.
Carla
looked at Sam again, but quickly turned back on the road.
“An
undercover agent was missing. And the last information he pitched was about a
man named…”
“Frankie.”
Sam
finished the sentence. Carla nodded.
“After
Mike was arrested, two men showed up at the house. One of them called himself
Frankie.”
“You
think they got the wrong guy?”
“I
don’t know what to think.
Carla
sighed.
“Sam,
I don’t know Mike anymore.”
Sam
said nothing.
|
M
|
ike didn’t answer.
“Mike,
who’s this Frankie?”
Carla
asked again.
“It’s
business. Trust me, there’s nothing wrong.”
“Yes,
everything is wrong.
Carla
started crying.
“I
just want to know what’s going on. You are away, like a lot. And Mike, I’m
frightened.”
Mike
held Carla in his arms and robbed her arm.
“It’s
okay.”
“Mike,
I’m exhausted.”
“I
know.”
“No,
I’m tired.”
“I
know.”
“Maybe
we can move back to the city?”
Carla
looked at Mike. Mike paused.
“No,
honey, I have to stay here to take care of the business.”
“No!
Mike, it’s just, it’s just not making sense anymore. I thought we moved here to
have a family, our family! But ever since the baby was born, you are always
away. And when I say we should move, you say you have to stay?”
“Trust
me, everything is fine.”
“No,
it’s not. Mike, are you having an affair?”
“No.”
“Just
tell me, Mike, please. Do you still love me?”
“Of
course, I do.”
“Are
you still attracted to me?”
“Of
course.”
Mike
kissed Carla on her forehead. But Carla broke away and went upstairs to the
baby’s room.
Carla
didn’t turn on the light. She just sat on the floor, against the wall.
Mike
went in and led Carla out to their bedroom. He put Carla to bed and locked her,
with his arms, tightly around her waist.
The
next day, shortly after Mike pulled out of the garage. Carla got in her car.
But she didn’t turn on the engine. She could hear a police siren went off in
the back, somewhere down the road.
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|
arla put her hands
on the wheel.
“License,
please.”
“Sweetheart,
give me my purse.”
Carla
handed her driver’s license to the officer and heard him talk to the radio.
“Was
I speeding, officer?”
“No,
ma’am, just a regular checkup.”
The
police officer circled the car. He looked at the back seat, at the girls and
the baby, and eyed Sam from the rear window.
The
radio said something. Then the officer handed Carla back her driver’s license.
“That’d
be all, ma’am, safe trip.”
“Thank
you, officer. Have a good day.”
Carla
hit the gas.
The
police officer stood and watched Carla drive away. He put the receiver back and
fished out a cell phone from his pocket.
“Sir,
Mrs. Williams is here.
“No,
I didn’t.
“Two
packages, a purse and a bag, probably for diapers and stuff.
“No,
I didn't.
“Yes,
sir.
“Three
kids and a man.
“Yes,
sir.
“No…,
yes, sir.”
The
police officer hanged up the phone and looked before him. It’s an open field.
The car hit the right turn signal.
|
I
|
t’s quiet in the
car. They could see the prison from the road, still a good distance away. Carla
looked at the rear view mirror and saw the police officer still standing where
he was then hit the right turn signal.
They
waited at the registration, Carla with the baby and Sam filling out the form.
Then the guard led them to the hall. There they waited some more, with families
and girlfriends talking all around them, at the greasy table.
“Daddy,
daddy!”
“Ar,
big girls now.”
Mike lifted Natalie and gave her a sounding kiss on her cheek. Natalie
giggled.
“Let me see how much you weight now.”
Mike in turns lifted Britney and kissed her. Mike gave Sam a quick hug.
Sam patted him on the back. He then gave Carla a quick kiss on her cheek and
took the baby from her.
“Jesus, big girl.”
The baby’s eyes widened. She started turning and reaching out, finally
resolved in crying out loud.
“It’s okay, it’s daddy, baby.”
Carla stood up. But Mike rocked and started giving the baby wet kisses
on her face.
“I’m so sorry, baby, it’s daddy. You took her to the shots yet?”
Mike asked Carla. Carla answered quietly and sat down.
“June.”
“Come, Nellie, Britney.”
Mike held the baby in one arm and put a wrapped package on the table.
“I have something for you. But I want you to share it, okay?”
The girls nodded. Mike sat down and put the baby on his lap.
“And I want you to listen to your mother, okay?
Mike took one look at Carla.
“Listen to your mother. Be a good girl, and help her take care of your
sister, okay?”
The girls nodded.
“Now, go and give your mother a kiss.”
Mike handed Natalie the present. They danced around, gave Carla a kiss
each on her cheeks and tore up the package.
“You know what that is, Nellie?”
“It’s a camera.”
“Camera.”
“Smart girl.”
Mike taught the girls how to use the film Kodak.
“Where d’you get that camera?”
Mike looked at Carla and shrugged.
“Here’s the paper from the court. Brad Molinsky sent them to me.”
Carla took the paper from her purse. But Mike pushed them aside.
“He didn’t say how long it’s gonna be. He didn’t say anything at all. He
couldn’t even tell me what it is.”
“Carla, just let him handle it. I’ll take care of it.”
Carla sighed and turned to look at the girls.
“Mike, it’s not going anywhere. And we don’t have any money.”
Tears flew down her cheeks. Carla quickly wiped them away.
“I’ll take care of it.”
Mike said. The baby started screaming.
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|
arla could hear her
winding the film when they stepped out the prison. She looked back and Britney
pushed the button. That day, as shown in the picture, was not as clear and
bright as how Carla remembered it.
