Fish

N

o one remembered the picture Scott drew in the kindergarten. Not even himself. It’s the ocean. He drew clown fish, sharks, starfish, and he left the background blue. He was frustrated with the color. It did not reflect the color he wanted. So he rubbed the blue crayon on the paper, again and again, trying to make it deeper, till there’s none left.

S

cott sat naked on his chair. He was breathing heavily. He let his cum dry on his stomach, his arms, his chin, and just stared before him at the ceiling.

            “It is hot, baby. It is so sexy.”

            The accented brunette on the computer screen said, touching her breasts and rocking her ass.

            Scott lifted his head and looked at the woman for two seconds. Then he shut it off and rested his head back on his chair. It would be the last time he did that, he decided. So he showed his face. Scott looked at his cell phone. It’s almost eight. He should be getting ready.

            Maybe he got taped. And soon, there would be a video about him, jerking off, circling around gay porn sites. All the better, at least that’s something to remember him by, male solo, 7 minutes 34 seconds, porn rate: 92 percent.

            The blinds were shut. The room reflected the computer screen, maybe something else, a deep blue, flashing, with an anxiety and a nameless fury steering, with a faint buzzing, still air.

            Scott put on his boxer shorts. He opened his door and listened. There’s water running and noise downstairs. He dashed into the bathroom.

            There’s a double bed in his room, feather top mattress and fluffy pillows, blue plaid sheets washed every week. A computer desk at the feet of the bed, a desktop PC with webcam and wireless keyboard and mouse, neatly organized except for the drawers where little things piled, burnt CDs, old MP3 player, broken parts and litter. His old computer was under the desk, pushed to the back.

            Beside the window stood his stand closet, coats and jackets hung up, jeans and pants folded, except for the nice ones, which he also hung up. His shirts and t-shirts folded and carefully stacked. There’s a dark suit he wore when he’s a kid in his closet, which he never threw out, and his mother never nag on, wrapped in a plastic bag when it’s picked up at the dry cleaner’s for the last time, nearly eight or nine years ago. There’s whole drawer dedicated to his collection of underwear, nearly three hundred pieces of them, arranged first by types, brief, boxer shorts, jockstrap, then by color. Scott was obsessed with his own underwear which was far more than enough for practical uses and required a complete laundering every season, first with cleaner, then with only water.

            There were two or three caps and knit hats put in the corner, next to his socks, all of them never even made it to the first washing.

            Stored at the corner of his room was a model he built with Rob in the eighth grade. It’s a model of a tree house with a flushing system that’s supposed to magically disappear. Rob and Scott fought on this, but Scott insisted. For a while back then, Scott dreamed about actually living in the tree house. He reasoned he could do something about the internet for a living and didn’t have to leave the tree house a lot except for grocery shopping which will no doubt became far more convenient in the years to come. Until one day, he suddenly realized there’s no tree big enough to support his design, not even after he removed the bathtub and shrank the living room, so he stopped.

            Rob ended up joining Jed. And Scott never took the model to school. He forgot how he got out of it, but he got a B for the assignment. Fair enough for him.

            Scott also thought about collecting boots. He bought a 20 eye black Dr. martins boots with his mother’s credit card. He had his eyes on a 17 inch motorcycle boots, and was planning to build a boot hanger inside his room to hang the boots to come. But he realized he would be leaving the house in a few years. Besides, he got bored. Boots weren’t like underwear.

            He’s always fascinated by underpants, especially, his own, but not worn. They made him feel, so comfortable and protected, and clean, and safe. His mother had been complaining about this little fetish of his. He never tried to explain why. He would just stare blankly back at her and then walk away. His father never said anything about it. He probably didn’t even know.

            His parents got divorced long ago. It’s not the reason for his problems. Everyone’s parents got divorced at some point, Scott thought.

            Scott’s father lived in Florida and had gotten fat over the years, highlighted especially by their rare contacts.

            Scott touched the cum on his chest, now dried, and ran his hand through water. He pulled down his boxer shorts, camel and khaki plaid Target boxer shorts, machine washable, but not for dryers. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Scott didn’t have much body hair. He could hardly grow a beard, so he shaved. He had to trim his eye brows once in a while, too. But he had a comparatively fair skin, smooth, and sometimes, especially after workouts, rosy cheeks.

Scott had dark brown hair. He kept it short above his ears. He’s in fact, curly haired. But at this length, one couldn’t really tell, and it looked straight. He had brown eyes too, but his pubic hair looked blonde.

Scott stepped into the tub, pulled the curtain and turned on the water.

            Scott got himself soaked. He let the water ran down his face and neck, and his body. When he breathed, he felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air. He put shampoo on his hair, and gently massaged his skull with his finger tips in small circles. He rinsed it off, but then washed his hair again, this time, with fewer shampoo, then he shut the water off.

            Scott first robbed soap on his chest, then he reached to his armpits and stomach. He washed his inner thighs, then slowly moved to his groin.  Scott washed his penis, and massaged around the head. He then washed the hair. He washed the balls, and teased, just for a brief seconds, his anus, before he turned back to jerk his cock, now eagerly erected again.

            Scott fondled with his cock. He moved one hand to play with his nipples, and just a few minutes after his last free gift to the world, he jerked off again. He didn’t really think about anything. He didn’t picture any girl, nor any image and story at all. He’s simply turned on, by his own, something.

            Scott pulled open the curtain, and looked at himself stroke himself back at himself in the mirror. Bubbles turned into a thick layer of white foam wrapping his penis. It felt plastic and slippery. He drew a deep breath and didn’t really shut his mouth, then he breathed, stroke, breathed, stroke, feeling intense, breathed, stroke, and soon, came. He came on the bathroom wall, deep breathing, touching himself as if he wanted to squeezed himself, dry, completely dry, till there’s nothing left inside.

            He washed the soap away. The magic was gone and he felt thin. Then he pointed the shower head at the wall, motionlessly for a while, washing it away.

            Scott put a towel around his waist and another to dry his hair. He applied some shaving cream on his face and shaved, rinsed the blade through hot water and repeated till all the cream and beard roots were shove off. He washed his face with water. Then he checked his eye brows in the mirror. They were fine. So he put some cleaner on his palm and rubbed his two hands together to create lather. He then washed his face carefully avoiding his eyes, then washed it away with water.

            Scott turned his face first to the left, then to the right, examining himself. Then he pushed and watched his abs, first turning his body to the left, then to the right. He watched his chest, his arms. Then he turned ninety degrees to one side, and watched his ass. He moved as if engaged in a sexual intercourse, with the air.

Scott sat on the toilet seat and clipped his fingers and toes. Then he turned back to the mirror and applied a toner that’s also used as an aftershave to his skin. He poured the toner on a piece of cotton paper, and gently tapped it over his face, forehead, two sides of the nose, and his cheeks. Then he wiped it on his neck, from bottom to top, and the back of his ears. Finally, he applied a cooling gel to his face.

He put a leave-in conditioner on his hand and ran it through his towel-dried hair, not touching the skull. Then he ran his fingers through his hair to make sure the conditioner was thoroughly spread. He blow-dried his hair, first randomly, then from the back to the front, and stopped before it’s completely dry. Scott checked his hair, his face, his body, then walked out of the bathroom, leaving the light on.

Scott closed the door behind him. For a brief moment, he couldn’t see anything. That somehow put him at ease. He sat down on the edge of his bed. He waited. Floating shapes slowly steadied, and he felt like submerged under deep ocean, with faint light seeping through the blinds, the door, from the world of mankind that’s temporarily separated from him now. Scott lied down and felt the sheets.

Scott got up and opened his underwear drawer. He carefully ran his hand through the fabric and felt the texture, the comfort of the cleanness. He already picked which one he’s going to wear that night. He turned on the light and found a white undie with ribbed cotton fabric, a little tight for him now, but still bleached snowy white. Scott put it on, drew a deep breath, and felt intrigued by the coziness. He felt the weave of the material, and gradually adjusted the bands around his thighs, two sides of his balls.

Scott quickly took it off, and ran to the walk-in closet where he kept his shoeboxes. He took a duffle bag from the closet and threw the undie in his hand inside. He then rushed to the underwear drawer and netted everything in. He stopped. He just remembered the boxer shorts he abandoned in the bathroom. He thought about it for a few seconds, but he shook his head, quietly dropped a tear, and put his jeans on.

A car honked. It must be Rob and Blake. Scott peeked out the window and there they were, sitting in the car, laughing and chatting like ever before. Scott put on a t-shirt.

“Shit!”

Scott turned the computer back on. He forgot to erase the videos and browser history on his disk. Just when he’s waiting for the computer, they honked again.

“Shit!”

But then Scott figured the police might inspect the disk after tonight. It wouldn’t really make any difference unless he formatted the disk. But he’s not sure how he could do that.

“Fuck it.”

After a second thought, Scott decided to let it be and pulled the plug. He put on his sneakers and picked up the duffle bag. He flicked the light off and hurried out the room, into the bathroom, not having a last look behind.

Scott put some Japanese hair wax on his palm. He rubbed it till it got softened a little and then he put it on his hair, first two sides, then the back, lastly, the top and the front. He checked his hair, his face, his clothes, then went out, the light still on.

Scott’s mother didn’t say anything. She didn’t look up. She just quietly got dinner done when Scott walked down the stairs. Scott could see that she cooked dinner for two. He made for the door.

“What’s that for?”

She nodded at the bag.

“Just stuff.”

Scott answered and ready to open the door.

“For Christ’s sake, next time, could you please, remember to tell me you’re staying over…, who’s that out there?”

The car honked again.

“It’s Rob. They are waiting. I am late.”

Scott stopped at the door.

She bit her lips and looked aside. Scott turned.

“And do tell me, next time, your highness, if it’s not too much trouble, that you’re eating out.”

“You didn’t ask me.”

Scott’s mother threw the pan in the sink, making a loud clank that kept ringing in the kitchen. Scott turned back and looked at her. She’s facing the window now.

“I’m not you fucking maid! You hear me?”

Scott opened the door and closed it behind him.

“You’re seventeen! You’re not a fucking kid!”

Scott walked up to the car and knocked on the trunk.

“S’up. I’m gonna put this in the trunk?”

Blake popped open the trunk. Scott put the bag in. He walked over and opened the back seat door. The music burst out when he sat in. Blake turned to face Scott with the big grin on his face.

“How’s it going, bro? Any last words?”

Scott stared back at Blake, and slowly answered.

“Just hit the gas, will you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Blake saluted with his hand, and started driving. Rob in the passenger’s seat mumbled then turned to shout.

“Home, sweet home. Shut the fuck up, bitch!”

Scott felt sorry for his mother and shifted on his seat. But there’s nothing he could say.

T

hey could see Jed’s car parked outside the house from afar, bright red brand new paintjob. Blake went a little further and parked his down the street. Rob quickly lit a cigarette when they got out of the car. Blake patted Scott on his lower back. Together, they walked toward the party. Scott pulled his jeans a little. It felt strange to him walking around without his underwear on.

There were people out, chatting, away from the loud music inside, mostly a year or two older than they were, girls, guys, talking, flirting, smoking and drinking.

There were two scooters parked on the lawn, pizza boxes stuck in the dumpster, bottles, cans, plastic cups, tissues, cigarette packages lying around. Girls’ voices, guys’ laughter, exclamations, questions, indistinct chattering going back and forth in the air that’s also stuffed with a nodding will trying to act indifferent and get laid. A qualification to stay within the type, and a competition to standout; a self-reassurance to be independent, but at the same time, to be sophisticated. Scott spat and put his hands inside his pockets, and walked with a sense of preparing himself, to tread on a strange land. A monster he was, living under a human skin, crossing the boundary of a circle of behavioral network that’s the base forming a larger society, the world. And he hated the world.

            “Hey, Blake, hey, guys, what’s with the face?”

            “Hey, Jeanette. You see Jed?”

            “Sure, he’s in there.”

            “Cool.”

            “Hey, Scott.”

            Scott nodded, but then walked pass her. Already, he felt curious stares on him, making him feel targeted and provoked. He wondered if they had a name for them, like in the movies, something like ‘the bunch’, or maybe ‘deatheaters’. It never occurred to him to suggest they should identify themselves with something. It would be stupid and make them just like a group of lost teens, taking it out at the world. But they were something else.

            They stepped inside the house. Music drowned them, and people, for a strange affect, were swallowed by a unity that subdued their existence. Blake turned and shouted.

            “I’ll go get Jed. You guys stay here.”

            Scott nodded. He was about to follow Blake, but Rod grasped his arm, and nodded toward the kitchen. So instead, Scott followed Rod.

            There were food on the kitchen counter, boxes of pizza, fried chicken, microwaved popcorn, and chips. Rod opened the fridge and got himself a beer. Scott opened a box of pizza and took a slice. The pizza was cold and hard.

            “Hey, kid, don’t smoke in here. It’s gross.”

            A blonde girl said to Rod when she walked in the kitchen. Rod looked at her, squeezed his eyes, then he smoked and turned to leave.

            “You friend with that guy?”

            The blonde girl asked Scott. Scott took his time chewing the slice of pizza. Then he walked to the sink and washed his hand.

            “Who are you anyway? Are you friends with Zack’s brother? Mm… what’s his name?”

            Scott said nothing. He opened the fridge and got himself a bottle of beer, too.

            “Are you guys eighteen yet? I thought…”

            “Jed is.”

            “Yes, Jed. Thank you. But how come he’s in your class?”

            Scott shrugged his shoulder and turned to leave. But he couldn’t find Rod. And he didn’t see Blake.

            The house was filled with people. There’s a video game going on the flat screen TV in the living room. And everywhere, people stood laughing, people Scott hardly knew, some he recognized from school. Scott walked down the hall. He could see that the dining room was also crowded. So he turned and walked up the stairs, trusting he’d find Blake and Jed there. He took a few steps but then saw Rod standing in the corner of the dining room, staring angrily at the people. He was about to join him. But he caught someone sitting on the top of the stairs, in pajamas, elbows on her laps, hands supporting her chin, looking straight at Scott, bored without questioning.

            “Hey,

            Scott cleared his throat. Then he walked up the stairs to Jed’s little sister.

            “Hey, Claire. Why aren’t you asleep?”

            “Hi, Scott. How is that possible? You tell me.”

            “Come on, go back to your room.”

            Scott peeked down at the dining room. Rod was still standing there, and people still joking and laughing.

            “I can’t sleep.”

            “Come on, where’s your room?

            Claire held out her hand. Scott pulled her up.

“I thought you are going with your parents.”

“Yeah, they just want to be alone.”

“But they can’t leave you here.”

“They didn’t know Zack’s having a party. And I am not supposed to tell. That put me in a really difficult situation.”

“Which one’s your room?”

“It’s right here.”

Claire opened her door. Scott could see that her pajamas were pink. So was a lot of things in her room.

“Ok, now turn the light off and go to bed.”

“Wait, wait, wait, I know what I can do. Can you help me?”

“Claire, you should be sleeping.”

“But I can’t. Not in this room. Can’t you see that’s what keeps me up in the first place?”

Scott said nothing. For a moment, he thought Claire was going to call him an idiot. But Claire gave him a big smile.

            “But I know what I can do. I’m going to sleep in the attic.”

            “What?”

            “Can you help me with the ladder?”

            “But… but don’t you think it’s safer and cleaner in your own room?”

            “The attic is fine. And I have a sleeping bag. I can just sleep in the sleeping bag. It’ll be fun, like going camping.”

            Claire took out her sleeping bag with red plaid lining. She took the pillows from her bed and gave them to Scott.

            “You need two pillows?”

            “Yeah, It’s more comfortable.”

            Then she took a toy rabbit and urged Scott to follow her.

            “Come on, this way.”

            “Let me get it.”

            Scott offered to take the sleeping bag.

            “I’m okay. I can handle it.”

            Claire led Scott to the attic.

            “Can you get the ladder for me? You need to pull that…”

            “Yeah, I saw it.”

            Scott first tried to get the ladder with one hand. But he couldn’t. He put down the pillows and tried again.

            “You better go up first. Give me the sleeping bag. And the bear.”

            “It’s a rabbit.”

            Claire climbed up the ladder. Scott noticed her kid skinny legs. They probably wouldn’t have the chance to get strong. Because soon, she would start starving herself to get paper thin.

            “Can you see things up there?”

            There was a sound of a flicker. Then the attic was lit by warm light.

            “Sure.”

            “Here.”

            Scott climbed the ladder single-handedly and gave Claire the sleeping bag and the rabbit. Then he climbed down and back up again with the pillows.

            Claire was spreading her sleeping bag on the seemingly clean attic floor. Scott looked around. It was kept tidy and dusted, unlike the attic back home which he never used. There’s a bicycle at a corner. It didn’t look broken from here. Then there were a few boxes, and a metal file cabinet at the other end. The floor was made of dark woods and polished. There were two windows, and an old radio on the windowsill. It was large, spacious really, with a touch of optimism. 

            “I wanted to move in here. But mom said it’s too dangerous and stupid to sleep in the attic. Thanks.”

            Claire took the pillows from Scott and arranged them on the sleeping bag, piling them one on top of the other.

            “Okay, is there anything else you need?”

            “Wait, er, do you want to stay here for a little bit?”

            “Why?”

            “Er, nothing,

            Claire hesitated.

            “Well, I never really, actually come here at night.”

            “Oh, sure.”

            Claire jumped and looked excited.

            “I’m going to turn off the light and see if we can see the stars.

            Claire turned off the light. The attic turned to blocks of different shades of black. Scott could see and hear her climbing in her sleeping bag.

            “You don’t need to stand. Do you want to lie down?”

            “I’m cool. It’s okay.”

            Scott sat down on the floor, with his knees bended, looking quietly out the window.

            “You know, I can really move in here, you have no idea how it is living next to boys.

            The eyes adjusted to the light. Scott could match the grayscale outline of the room to the earlier image he saw and hear the music and people down stairs, out on the lawn, but magically shielded off, although too thin for isolation.

            “But I suppose it’s kind of inconvenient having to climb up and down the ladder every time.”

            “You can ask your dad to build a stair.”

            Claire stopped for a moment. Then she clapped her hands.

            “Yeah, let’s do that. It will be so much fun.”

            “But is there like rats and stuff?”

            “No.”

            Claire answered with a tone of suspicion.

            “I mean, sometimes, rats live in the attic, or…”

            “No. there isn’t, not in here.”

            “Good. I was just … asking.”

            There was a brief silence. The attic, did in fact get a good view of the sky. It would be cool in the summer, but probably a little chilly in wintertime.

            “Scott?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Do you have a girlfriend?”

            Scott thought for a few seconds. He was afraid that Claire was asking him to date her.

            “No.”

            “Well, can I tell you something?”

            Again, Scott hesitated.

            “Sure.”

            “Well, you don’t actually need to keep a secret for me or anything. But it’s kind of embarrassing.

            “Well, it’s about Jed.”

            “What about him?”

            Scott turned and tried to see her face, but he couldn’t see her eyes. And he couldn’t tell if she delivered this message with alarm or consultation.

            “Well, I think, I think he’s going out with…”

            Claire stopped. Scott relaxed but decided to encourage her.

            “You meant he’s going out with someone?”

            “Mm…”

            “Were you going to tell me who that is? Do you know who that is?”

            “Mm… Forget it. It’s probably not a good idea to tell you this.”

            Scott said nothing.

            “Do you know what gay is?”

            “Yeah?”

            Claire paused.

            “Nothing.”

            There was silence again.

            “Do you know what the Holocaust is?”

            “Yeah, the Nazi.

            Claire paused.

            “The German people. It’s called the Nazi back then.”

            “Yes, the German. But, but, do you think it’s right to kill someone?”

            “Well, of course not.”

            “I mean, even if they think they are right, even if they were right.”

            “Who told you that?”

            “Do you think it gives them the right to take control of other people?”

            Scott shrugged his shoulder in the dark.

“Dunno. I don’t think you should be thinking about these things.”

“Why not?

Scott said nothing.

“Grown-ups always talk about breaking the law. But people made up the law. Who made it right? Who made it…”

“Absolute.”

            “What?”

            Scott said nothing.

            “It’s like mommy always telling us to brush our teeth before breakfast. But we are, in fact, not supposed to brush our teeth before eating.”

            “Why not?”

            “Well, the Chinese doctor said that our bodies create something good for us during our sleep. And if we brush our teeth first thing in the morning, we wash it out.”

            “How do you know that?”

            “I saw that on TV.”

            “But what if that’s wrong?”

            “What?”

            Scott said nothing. Again, he tried to see her face.

            “Nothing. You’re very smart. Most people don’t think about that.”

            Claire said nothing.

            “Scott?”

            “Yeah?”

            “You are different.

            “People talk to me like I was a child and just assume that I don’t think. They forget how it was when they were also kids.

            “But you do.”

            Scott said nothing at first. But then he mumbled.

            “Well, maybe that’s a problem.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “Nothing.”

            “Have you ever read the Bible?”

            “No.”

            “It scared me. I once read a Bible when we visited my grandmother.”

            Scott didn’t know what to say.

            “Well, I probably need to find your brother. They are probably looking for me.”

            Scott crawled to the ladder.

“Oh, wait!”

“What’s wrong?”

“No, I forgot my iPhone.”

Scott paused for a second, but then answered.

“I’ll get it for you.”

Scott climbed down the ladder. He went in Claire’s room and put her iPhone, placed on her nightstand, in his pocket. He then went down stairs to the kitchen. He tried to find something for Claire, cookies and milk. There was no milk in the fridge. So Scott poured a glass of tap water. He was looking through the cabinets when they walked in.

“Here you are. We thought you fucking took off. We were about to hunt you down.”

Rob said.

“What are you looking for?” Jed asked, with his arms crossed in front of him.

“Cookies, do you have any Oreo or…”

They all looked at him. Blake walked in.

“There you are.”

“It’s for Claire.”

“If it’s not in there, I guess it’s all gone.”

“Right.”

“Were you with Claire?”

“Yeah, I helped her move to the attic. She said it’s too loud.”

Jed smiled and shook his head.

“Is that for her, too?”

Jed nodded at the glass of water held in his hand.

“What are you doing with her anyway? Nothing too kinky, I hope. Jed will probably kill you, right.”

Rob joked and pointed his finger at Scott’s face, close, like he’s going to poke his right eye blind. Then Rob touched Jed with his elbow.

“Come on, give him a break. I think it’s sweet.

Blake said.

“You know, next time your parents are out, you should have him babysit her.”

Hearing this, they all stopped.

Scott took the water upstairs. He climbed the ladder again. He got closer and closer. Then everything was suddenly dismissed.

“There you go, here’s some water for you.”

“Thanks. But it’ll make me want to pee.”

“Well, just in case. And here’s your iPhone. Are you hungry?”

Scott fished out Claire’s iPhone with one hand while the other still clung to the wooden bar.

“Thanks.

Scott said nothing.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Okay, good night.”

Scott wanted to say ‘see you’, but he realized he couldn’t say it, let alone, saying goodbye, for good.

“H

ey, are you guys leaving?”

Jeanette asked when they walked out of the house.

“Fuck off, bitch.”

Rob cursed.

“Hey!”

Jeanette protested.

“Don't mind him. You wanna tag alone? I can take you home.

Jed offered.

 “Why don’t you ride with me?”

Jeanette stood where she was.

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, we don’t know anybody here. And I am bored. Let’s go have some fun.”

The rest stopped and looked at Jed. Blake looked at Rob and then looked at Scott. He asked with his hands in midair.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

Rob mumbled to Scott, as if trying not to be heard.

“What the fuck is he doing?”

Scott said nothing. Jed ignored Blake and walked to his car.

“But where are you going?”

“Just away from here will suffice. You coming?”

Jed opened the door and sat in.

“All right, I guess.”

Jeanette walked up to the car, and sat in the passenger’s seat.

Scott looked at Blake who was shaking his head in disbelief. And then the three turned to go.

“Yo, Scott, you coming with me?”

Jed shouted from his car. Then he started the car. The three turned back to look at Jed. Scott didn’t answer. Blake and Rob turned back again and headed down the street, leaving Scott where he was for two seconds. Rob quickly lit a cigarette. Scott walked back the other way, and got in the backseat of Jed’s car, in bright red.

They drove in silence for a while. No conversation. No radio. Even the engine was quiet. Blake was now just a few feet after them.

“So you want to hang with us? Or are you going home?”

“I don’t know. It depends on where you are going.”

Scott looked outside the window.

“Just chill, probably get something to eat. You hungry?”

“I’m alright, had a few pizza.”

“Scott, you hungry?”

“A little bit.”

“You wanna get a burger, or…”

“Yeah, sure.”

Jed hit the turning signal and headed for the diner. Scott looked back. Blake just made the turning.

“Hey, you guys okay?”

“Sure, why?”

“Nothing, just, you guys seem a little intense tonight.”

“Nay, we are just bored. Right, Scott?”

“Yap.”

“So… What are you gonna do next?”

“Not sure, I was thinking maybe go get a tattoo? Maybe?”

Scott looked at Jed in the rearview mirror, who’s also looking back. Then he looked aside.

“Oh, really? That’s cool. What you gonna get?”

“Maybe… ‘Jeanette’ on my forehead?”

Jeanette laughed.

“Yeah, right. And I’m gonna get ‘repent’ on mine.”

“Sure, why not? And I’ll get ‘personal property, don’t touch’, just across my jaw. Jeanette’s personal property.”

Jeanette smiled quietly.

“Yeah, right.”

“Do you wanna get a tattoo?”

“I was thinking about it. Yeah, it’s kinda cool. But I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you come with us? I’ll pay for it.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to get.”

“Come on, we’ll figure out.”

            Jed parked his car outside the diner. They waited outside when Blake pulled up and reared his car next to Jed’s. And they went in together. They ordered. The food arrived. Blake and Rod looked mad and didn’t talk much. Jed ignored them. Jeanette noticed but smiled at the discomfort. She carried the conversation between herself and Jed. Then she tried to extend it to the rest as well.

            “Listen guys, I have an idea.

            They all looked at Jed.

            “I’m gonna go get a tattoo. And you are coming with me.”

            “Why? What are you going to get?”

            Blake asked.

            “Nothing, just think it’s kinda nice. Right?”

            “Sounds cool. Maybe I’ll get one, too.”

            Rod said.

            “That’s my man! Scott? Blake?”

            “Jesus, Jed, are you getting everyone permanently scarred? Do you work on commission or something?”

            “No, Jeanette, we are, all, scarred already. Tattoos are for the damned.

            Jeanette said nothing, but kept a frozen smile.

            “That’s how people wear it out. The hurt inside, not being understood, and everything.”

            “Dude.

            Rod started laughing.

            “Sorry, man, but what the fuck are you talking about?”

            “Like in the Bible.”

            Scott said.

            “What’s that now?”

            “Like the guy in the Bible. He had a tattoo on his head or his arm, I forget, because he’s guilty.”

            “Exactly.”

            “Guilty of what?”

            Scott shrugged.

            “I don’t know. He killed someone, or, I don’t remember, his brother I think.”

            “See that’s what I’m talking about, destined for hell.”

            There was a brief silence.

            “So, you wanna come?”

            Jed looked at Jeanette.

            “No, I think I’m just gonna go home.”

            “Come on.”

            “Jed, I think we should just drive her home.”

            Blake interfered.

            “Come on, Jeanette, let’s take a ride, it’s so boring. What are you gonna do at home?”

            “No, honestly, if you could just drop me off, that’ll be great. Listen, you guys obviously have some other plans, and I don’t want to get in the way.”

            “What? What are you talking about?”

            “Come on. There’s gotta be something. You guys are just weird tonight. I should have just stayed at the party and get wasted.”

            “Well, we can get wasted, right?”

            “That’s not the point. But seriously, what’s going on? Are you guys in trouble or something?”

            Jed smiled. But no one said anything.

            “Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.”

            “Jed.”

            Blake warned. But Jed ignored him. Rob shook his head and laughed.

            “We are leaving town, tonight, for good.”

            For a moment, no one said anything.

            “Really? Then where’s your luggage?”

            “In the trunk. We have been planning for months. Right, guys?”

            Jeanette turned to look at the others. Rob was still shaking his head and laughing. But no one answered.

            “We are just so sick of this place.”

            “Dude, you’re mad.”

            “But what about school? Aren’t you guys going to the college?”

            “No, not for me, not for us.

            Jeanette smiled. Scott wasn’t sure if she bought it. But Jed continued.

            “Just think about it, everybody ends up the same? I don’t think so.”

            Jed shook his head.

            “But what are you gonna do then? Where are you going?”

            “California.”

            “Oh, California, eh?

            Rob laughed and elbowed Scott on his left arm.

            “Miami sounds more like it.”

            “For what? What are you gonna do?”

            “Jeanette, there’s always a way.

            Jed said.

            “Don't worry so much. I don’t worry about it.”

            “Well,

            Jeanette turned to look at the others.

            “This is so cool.”

            But the others stayed quiet. Perhaps they were all afraid that Jed’s going to ask her to come with them.

            “Are you going to the college then?”

            Scott asked.

            “Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.”

            Jeanette went with them to the Tattoo place in downtown. She looked at the pictures posted on the glass window, excited, as if picking one for herself.

            “Look, this is cool.”

            “Yeah, totally.”

            “This one. What d’you think? You think it looks good on me, Blake?”

            “Sure.”

            “I wanna get like a butterfly, you know, right here.

            Jeanette gestured to her upper hip.

            “But it’s just too cliché, I’m afraid.”

            “Yeah, too many girls have that.”

            “Yo, you kids gettin’ a tattoo? Or are you just gonna block the door and annoy me?”

            A man with short blonde hair asked from the door.

            “Sure, brother.”

            Jed answered. The blonde man turned to look at him. Jed smiled.

            “Brother?”

            Jeanette whispered to Blake, who answered with a mocking smile.

            Jed went in first. The man stared back at him.

            “I want to get an eagle right here.”

            Jed gestured to his left chest.

            “Sure. Sit down. Take your shirt off.”

            “Aren’t you gonna show me how that’ll look like first?”

            “Sure thing. But then you’ll need to come back some other time.”

            Jed nodded. The man put on a pair of surgery gloves.

            “Forget it. Let’s do it.”

            Jeanette jumped. Jed took off his shirt and lied down on the chair.

            “You guys all getting a tattoo. Or is it just him?

            Another man in the back asked, smiling.

            “Come on, I can do it, too. Why don’t you come with me, lady?”

            Jeanette looked at the others.

            “No, I don’t know what I’m gonna get yet.”

            “No problem, what about you, brother?”

            The man asked Blake.

            “I’ll go.”

            Rob said.

            “All right! Come on, this way.”

            The blonde man shaved Jed’s chest hair, and then applied a layer of colorless gel on his chest. The artist hooked the wire to the needle, dipped it in the black ink, set the needle on and hogged over Jed.

            After the first thirty minutes. Blake, Scott and Jeanette felt bored. They went out for some air. Jeanette had her first cigarette. Blake offered to drive her home. But she said she could wait.

            Rob had a skull on his shoulder. He rolled his sleeve up to show the tattoo, now applied with a thick coat of Vaseline, or the like. Blake went in. Jed had his shirt back on when he walked out. Jeanette asked to see the tattoo. So he took off his shirt again to show a flying eagle now spreading across his chest, with the talons out ready to grab. Jed offered to pay for Jeanette’s tattoo again. Jeanette thanked him but thought better to get one some other day. She looked tired. It’s now Scott’s turn.

            The blonde man was spraying the needles with alcohol. He put them in a black box with a glass door. He sprayed the chair with alcohol, too, and then his own hands. He lifted his head to look at Scott, but then turned away to wipe the chair dry.

            “So what are you gonna get?”

            Scott didn’t say anything. The blonde man turned to look at him again.

            “I’m sorry. What’s that?”

            Scott shrugged.

            “I’m not sure yet. Maybe my name.”

            “Jesus,

            The blonde man shook his head and laughed.

            “What about a fish now?”

            “What?”

            Scott asked.

            “You don’t remember me, right? I used to date this girl who used to be your babysitter. Boy, that was like years ago.

            “I went to your house once, and saw you there. It’s two blocks down from the store, I mean, you have to make a right turn, around the rather broken down place, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            Scott nodded.

            “I saw you when you were still little. You were a little funny. You know that? You breathed with your mouth, and made this wobbling sound that just drove me crazy, like you were making bubbles with your fucking mouth or something, man.

            The man laughed.

            “Oh, God, I swear you were funny. You said you were a fish. Then I teased you how come you spoke English. Then you wouldn’t talk to me.”

            “Sorry, man, I don’t really remember.”

            “Hey, don’t worry about it. It was a long time ago.”

            Scott tried to picture the man inside his house. He supposed he could see him there. But he’s not sure if he’s imaging it, or actually remembering it.

            “Well, a fish sounds good.”

            The man looked at Scott.

            “I was just joking, bro. Look, if you are not sure yet, maybe you should get it some other time.”

            The man consulted and looked at the time.

            “No, I want to get it now. And a fish actually sounds good.”

            “You sure?”

            “Yeah.”

            Scott nodded and tried to reassure the man. The man stood up and went behind the counter. He took out a huge binder, looked through it a little, and then put the binder with his drawing collection before Scott. It’s a fish with its head facing down, as if swimming downstream. The fin curved elegantly and reached the tail where it splashed the water. And Scott felt like he could hold the fish in his hand, carefully, like holding a newborn baby. Scott didn’t really know what it was. But he decided he wanted to have this tattooed on him. It’s the color, a vivid blue he couldn’t really describe. It’s not dark, but it’s deep, like when the sun had set a long time, before the night seeped in, and no one turned on the light, when everything turned into black, except this blue, in the back.

            “Yeah, I kinda like that one myself.”

            “I think I’ll get this one.”

            “Sure, but it’s gonna cost you a bit more, it’s not so easy to get the color right.”

            “That’s fine.”

            “Where d’you want it, on your stomach?”

            “Yeah, sounds good.”

            “All right, sit down and take off your t-shirt.”

            The man went to the desk and took out little caps for inks.

            “You know you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo, right?

            Scott said nothing but looked at the man. Was he going to ask him to get out?

            “Are you going to get me in trouble?”

            Scott shook his head and looked away. The man sat down beside him.

            “Are you in trouble?”

            “No, we are fine.”

            There was a brief silence. The man applied the gel to Scott’s lower stomach, on the right side. It warmed up on the skin.

            “You know, you seem like a good kid. If only it’s ten years earlier, or twenty, you’d be fine. But now the world’s all fucked up.”

            The man set the needle in. It hurt. But Scott convinced himself that it didn’t. he tried to imagine that the needle was an innocent ballpoint pen.

            “You okay?”

            “Yeah, I can barely feel it.”

            “Of course.”

            Then Scott realized the gel the man put on must be some kind of an anesthetic, inducing the sensitivity of the skin. And Scott felt touched, direct in, without the pain to open up, revealing, what’s inside, like knifed, on a surgery table.

“T

here you are. Come on, let’s take a look at it.”

            Scott lifted his T-shirt to show the tattoo, which was now glowing with a tinge of purple. He’s slightly disappointed, for the color was not as enchanting as he imagined it on himself. The man said the color would change a bit, but Scott didn’t have tomorrow to spend. He wanted the magic. He wanted the magic now.

            “Wow, that’s beautiful.”

            Jeanette marveled and the rest cheered.

            There were two girls in cheerleading outfits among them. Scott was not sure what they were doing with them. He could see that Blake got an armband tattooed on his upper left arm, now standing, talking with the cheer leaders who had heavy but slightly smudged make-up on.

            “Alright, let’s go.”

            Jed commended. They all jumped in the car. Jed walked up to Scott and pulled him aside, putting something in his pocket.

            “Scott, go use the restroom and rub this on your dong. We are gonna get laid tonight.

            Scott looked back at Jed, puzzled.

            “You see the two fake cheerleaders over there?

            Jed nodded without looking directly at the direction of the two strange girls now sat in the back of Jed’s car.

            “Trust me, we are gonna get some.”

            “What’s this?”

            Scott asked, meaning the thing Jed just put in his pocket.

            “You’ll see. Just put a thin layer around the head, not the entire thing, and you’ll feel heaven.”

            Scott paused for a few seconds. He supposed he knew what that’s for.

            “I thought we are supposed to feel hell.”

            “Well, that too, but not before this. Keep your pants on. Go.”

            Jed patted Scott on the back. Then he walked to his car.

            When Scott came back from the restroom. Jed had gone with the girls. Blake and Rob sat in the car. Rob was talking excitedly, but Blake looked grave. Scott got in.

            “Where’s Jed?”

            Scott asked. Blake started the car.

            “He went to the store, to get some beer.”

            Blake answered, rather absent-mindedly.

            “Yeah, fuck, we are gonna get laid.”

            Rob laughed, shaking his leg.

            “Where’s Jeanette?”

            “Jed’s got her.”

            Scott said nothing. Blake did not pursue. The car’s now shaking to Rob’s rhythm. Blake turned on the radio to some old fashion rock music, not his usual taste, but none suggested anything else.

            When they arrived at the store, Jed was walking out of the parking lot with the beer. He nodded to them with his head. The girls in the car cheered.

            “All right!”

            Scott could hear one of them said.

            Blake stopped the car in mid way. Jed walked up to the car and handed them the beer.

            “Enjoy yourself, guys.”

            “Hey, Jed, I wanna take your car.”

            Rob got out of the car and started laughing, cheering and chatting with the cheerleaders. Jed was about to turn back to his car. But Blake called him.

            “Jed.”

            Jed leaned towards the window and listened.

            “Jed. I think we should better get Jeanette home. She…”

            Jed hit the roof and made a loud noise.

            “No! No!

            Blake and Scott were stunned by the sudden outbreak. Jed stared at Blake, stared with hate, with a piercing glare which Blake didn’t know how to take. Blake looked back at him, tried to smile. Then turned to look ahead.

            “Tonight is our last day in this stupid place. You follow me? The last day. And I want it my way.”

            Jed grasped the car door. He kept staring angrily at Blake for a few seconds and said no other words. Finally, he turned back to his car.

            Blake shut off the radio and said to Scott.

            “Scott, I’m sorry.”

            Scott said nothing back. They waited, for whatever that’s following.

Before Jed drove off, Jeanette got out of his car and hopped in the back seat with Scott.

“Shoot!

She spilled beer on her dress and the seat.

“Sorry, Blake.”

Scott grabbed some tissue for Jeanette. She thanked him.

“Sorry, kinda have to get out of there.

They didn’t answer, but just drove, following Jed. Jeanette sat back and laid her head on the seat, relaxed, or maybe dazed.

“These girls, they are just crazy, and sluts, too.

Jeanette turned to look at Scott, smiling, but didn’t get her head off the seat.

“They kinda, just, you know, hit if off in the car, you know, touching, and everything, and grabbing. What’s wrong?

Scott shrugged. Jeanette continued.

“And it was really embarrassing. Can we have some music, Blake?”

Blake looked at her in the rearview mirror, and flipped on the radio.

“Can I?

Jeanette leaned toward the front seat to change the station, to a more hip and trench music. When she sat back, she gave out a happy sigh.

“Can I see the tattoo again?”

Scott lifted the t-shirt, but decided to remove the t-shirt all together. Blake looked from the rearview mirror. Jeanette edged back as Scott lifted the t-shirt over his head. Scott looked at Jeanette, and put one arm on the back of the seat, the other awkwardly shifting on his leg. His heart started pounding, and he tried to control his breathing.

For a while, Jeanette didn’t say anything. Then she asked.

“Does it hurt?”

Scott swallowed and shook his head.

“They put, er.”

Scott cleared his throat.

“They put anesthetic on the skin, so you wouldn’t feel much.”

“It’s beautiful, Scott. Does it hurt now?”

Scott shook his head. Jed had sped ahead of them, past the living quarter, onto the hill.

“Jeanette?

Scott asked. But Jeanette didn’t answer.

“Jeanette?

Scott cleared his throat and asked again.

“Can you suck me?

Jeanette drew a deep breath.

“Can you suck me off? Suck my cock?”

Scott’s voice trailed off. Jeanette didn’t respond. Scott’s hand shifted a little on his lap. He thought about unzipping his jeans, but kept himself still.

“Jeanette?”

Scott called her name again. Jeanette mumbled something indistinct. Scott moved closer to her and touched her shoulder with the hand he placed on the back of the seat. Jeanette’s shoulder, was all bone, skin and bone.

Scott moved closer again and put his head next to hers. He smelled, the scent from her, now looking intimidated, and slightly panting. Scott moved his nose close to her neck, very close, and kissed her on her cheek. Then he held her with one arm, and the other ready to embrace her.

“No, Scott. Don’t.”

Jeanette whispered. Scott held himself where he was. Then leaned back on the seat, one arm released, the other still around her. They were now away from town, deep into dark.

Then quietly, Jeanette moved her hand to touch Scott on the stomach. She touched his tattoo. Scott twitched uncontrollably, and drew breath. Jeanette stopped and placed her hand on his lap, awkwardly, motionlessly for a moment, then slowly to his groin.

Scott tried not to moan, not to make any sound. But he felt like he wanted to rip, something out to the world, now what’s worst of him was raised, lurking and ready, under his pants, without his underwear.

Blake stopped the car. Jeanette withdrew her hand. When Scott looked out the car. He could see Jed parked his car just a few yards off the road, and that Jed and Rob, were now each given a blowjob, outside the car, one at the front, one at the back.

Jeanette must have seen it, too. For she started breathing loudly, and tried to shake him off. Blake had his two hands, firmly grasping the wheel.

“No, no,

Jeanette started protesting, first quietly, but then getting louder.

“Get off me,

Jeanette pushed Scott away.

“And get me home, now.

She looked at Blake from the backseat, directly. They could hear Blake’s breathing.

“Blake, get me fuck outta here.”

Jeanette screamed, but her voice trembled and she started shaking.

“Scott?”

Blake asked.

Scott ignored him. He reached for Jeanette’s hands. And when she tried to get free, he wouldn’t let go. Jeanette tried to scream, but she couldn’t make a sound. Her eyes dilated wide with terror and she tried to kick herself free. But she had no strength and Scott soon forced himself on her. Her face was now wet with tears that kept flowing out of her fate as Scott put his hand inside her panties which she couldn’t move away from. She tried to beg. She tried to plead. But she could only make muffed and choked noises when Scott’s face was now before hers, looking away, driven by lust, out of control.

Blake got out of the car. He stood outside, stunned, just staring at the madness, before his eyes, behind his back, and inside.

Jeanette was now jerking and making weird sounds like a frightened animal. Scott put his hand in her underpants and touched her on the spot. He felt bounded and couldn’t move freely. He withdrew his hand, unzipped his pants then ripped open her underwear and her dress. Jeanette’s arms twisted before her chest. They were quivering and could barely defend anything. Scott put his hand back where he pulled out. This time, he felt a little moisture. He felt urged on and put his finger in. Jeanette twitched again, fighting to back off, and her legs tried to edge away. So Scott held her down with his other arm and forced himself on her, pushed his weight on her.

Scott felt that she got wetter. So he turned to look at her face. She was looking right back at Scott, bewitched, shaking with short but violent twitches, mouth twisted, and eyes wide open. He felt water oozing out of her, through his hand, warm but thin. Then he realized she had wet herself.

Scott bended down and put his face next to hers. He could feel her tears running down, now wetting his cheek as well. He kissed her chin, her cheek, her mouth. And he whispered to her.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

But he held her legs and raped her anyway.

Blake looked at Jed. A tear dropped. Then another from the other eye. He took a step, and another, and another, and felt that he, was stepping down, falling, deeper and deeper, with no way out. He looked at the face, the neck, Jed’s face, Jed’s neck, his mouth open, and he could hear his moaning. Blake looked at his chest with a smudge that’s to be his new tattoo, his back, his ass and his athletic legs, bulge and strong thighs, his jeans, pulled down to his ankles, and his penis, now licked and swallowed, in and out of a mouth of a girl he didn’t know, with a ugly make-up and an old, tacky hairstyle. And he couldn’t have him.

Jed looked up and saw Blake. He saw Scott in the car in the back. And then he looked at Blake again and saw the tears and his eyes. He let him walk close. Blake started unbuttoning his shirt.

Jed led the girl up to lie down on the hood. He kicked off his shoes and stepped out of his jeans. He pulled down the girl’s panties and rubbed her private part with his hand. Then he felt Blake hugging him from behind, hands across his chest, and hard on his ass. He fixed his eyes on the girl. Blake withdrew his hands. Then walked to the other side of Jed. He touched the girl’s face. The girl turned and unzipped Blake’s pants. Jed pulled the girl close to him and put his penis in.

Rob saw Jed pounding the girl, and the girl sucking on Blake. He bended down and asked the other girl to stand up. The girl looked bored and obeyed with hesitation and unwillingness. Rob touched the girl’s breasts, and reached down for her genitals. The girl twitched a little and gave Rob a dirty look. Rob tried to lift the girl’s leg and hold her down on the hood. But the girl turned back and said no. Rob reached for his pants, retrieved his wallet and gave the girl a twenty dollar bill. The girl took the money, but still held out her hand. So Rob gave her another twenty dollar bill and mumbled.

“Fucking slut.”

The girl turned back to face the car, and put one leg on the hood. She licked her hand and reached down to prepare herself. No sooner than that, Rob put his in.

Rob enjoyed the sensation. He felt certain part of his penis went numb, but every orgasm was prolonged and he wouldn’t need to worry about getting there without starting anymore. This was how it’s like to be a man, a real man, he thought to himself. He did it harder, more violently, and ignored the girl’s hand, pushing him back, protesting, that he’s hurting her.

Rob pulled out his penis and slapped on the girl’s ass.

“Hey! Don't do that.”

But Rob ignored her and slapped her again.

“Slut.”

Then Rob spread her ass and spit on it, rubbing it with his hand and tried to put his finger in her ass.

“Hey, listen. I don’t…”

The girl edged away, turned back and tried to talk to Rob. But Rob turned her back and sticked his finger in.

“Fuck! hey, fuck! All right, you’re hurting me. No, no, I don’t …, Fuck! Jessy! Jessy!”

“Hey, dude, chill, just relax.”

The other girl in the front heard her friend cry and tried to soothe Rob. But she saw Rob held the girl down on the hood and forced his penis in her ass. The girl screamed and pounded the car.

“Fuck!”

“Yeah, you take that, bitch. Is that good enough for you now? Is that enough for you? Take the money and shut the fuck up.”

Rob cursed, and held the girl back with her hair. The girl’s face was now smeared with tears and ruined make-up.

“What the fuck? Are you guys gonna do something?”

The girl asked Jed and Blake.

“I’m so, so, sorry.”

The girl begged Rob with a choked voice. She reached for the money Rob gave her earlier but Rob wiped it aside.

“I bet you don’t need the money now, huh? You bitch! How’s that?”

The girl tried to get away and hit Rob with her hands. She scratched Rob’s face with her nails.

“Fuck! Bitch!”

But Rob grabbed her on her head and banged her to the car and hit her with his fist.

“Jesus, fuck! What the fuck!”

The other girl at the front tried to get away from Jed and Blake, to help her friend. But Jed slapped her in the face, and before she could react, slapped her again.

“Blake, hold her down.”

Blake locked her arms by the wrists with his hands.

“You, perverts, you sick bastards! You, fuck! Fuck!

Jed turned the girl around and pinned her face down on the hood. And he put his penis in her ass, too.

“Fuck!”

The girl cursed and pounded on the car as well. Blake, without being aware of it, hit her with his fist, on her face, then blood dripped down.

“You, asshole, you…”

The girl mumbled, now dizzy in the head. Then Jed touched Blake on his arm, and gestured for him to switch.

Blake walked to the other side and put himself in. He couldn’t help but moan. It felt warm. And what’s more, he felt that Jed’s inside, too. When he looked down, he saw blood, so he looked away and closed his eyes. Then he felt Jed touching his chest, and playing with his nipples. He opened his eyes and turned back. He saw Jed’s face, looking back at him. Jed kissed and fucked him.

Jeanette banged her head on the door and wiped her tears with her hands. There were shouts and noise out side. But Scott wanted to prove to her: it’s going to be fine with him. Scott kissed Jeanette on her chin when he came inside her. But when he tried to kiss her again, Jeanette covered her face with her hands, and edged herself, against the seat, sobbing, eyes tightly shut.

Scott climbed out of the car, still breathing heavily. When he tried to put on his pants, he realized there’s blood over his lower body. When he looked up. He saw a girl killed, head twisted, limps twisted, all covered in blood, another crawling away on the ground, naked, except a piece of cloth around her waist that’s to be her cheerleading skirt, real or not. And three blood stained monsters looking straight back at him, before zooming out to be his death-taking brothers, thicker than blood.

“G

et in the car.”

Jed said with a tired voice. They put on their pants and got in Jed’s car. Everyone was silent, except Rob, who’s still yelling how good it felt, with a scar on his face, just a little below his left eye.

Jed started the car, and backed the car out to the road. He hit Blake’s car on the way out. Then he sped on.

The four of them drove on, bare-chested. The night had now turned quiet and watchful. Soon, it’d be dawn. It’s breathing with a restless deep that’s impossible to put a name to it. Until the light swept through, then they realized it’s green, green from the branches, brown from the ground, iron gray from the road, and bright yellow double lines that led their course.

There was silence. Rob rested his head on the back of the seat and appeared to be half-asleep. Scott looked outgside the window, trying to remember how it happened. Blake looked ahead, reasoning with himself that maybe there’s still a way out, together with Jed. Then Blake turned to look at Jed, who’s staring ahead, numb, not thinking at all, not responding at all. Blake turned back to stare ahead. He felt betrayed.

“The bag.”

Blake said. But no one responded.

“Scott, the bag, it’s still in my car.”

Jed turned to look at Blake. Then he looked at Scott through the rearview window. Scott did not move. He quietly answered.

“I know.”

“What’s in there?”

Blake asked. Scott thought for a few seconds.

“Nothing important.”

“You need to get it?”

But Jed interrupted.

“We can’t go back.”

There was a silence. Then Scott answered.

“I know.”

They drove on for miles. Rob was now asleep. But the smell in the air, a mixture of blood and semen, of pain, of guilt, of something close to regret, was still thick.

There were no other cars, as if they had trespassed on the realm of the condemned, what’s left is the ceremonial fire, the fire of hell. Trees spread out at the curve of the road, revealing pale starlight beyond, and light down below, their homes, their world, shining, and guarded, by the gem-like street lights. Jed stopped the car. Scott thought he could hear a buzzing. Blood rushed to his ears. Jed popped open the trunk, and asked them to stay inside the car, with a hoarse voice. He had the windows up. And then he opened the door and walked to the trunk.

Jed could hear his own feet, stepping on the road, making scrapping sounds. Had he been a smoker, it’d be a perfect timing for one. But he’s not, just like he’s not much of anything else. Jed lifted the hood and took out a gas can which he filled earlier this morning. He looked at the gun he bought from the man in the back of the store. He fingered it and felt the cold metal. The he put the gun in his back pocket and shut the trunk.

The early morning air was fresh. But he could hardly think about it. How come people don’t talk about the end of the world anymore? Was it because it kept failing them, each announced date turned out to be ordinary, and everything still on track. But how could people feel that way? Look at the earthquake. Look at the tsunami. Look at the wars. What’s the earth, and what’s hell? What’s left that still clangs to a tiny string of hope, hope for redemption, hope for heaven?

It’s love, Jed guessed, a love to rebuild thousands of homes, a love to protect and act. But he can’t love. The love he desired was the love that made him an outlaw, a love for destruction and death. So let him be condemned, let him be judged. The act of salvation was the act for protection, for the weak, a believer, a loser, a drifter, and a prophet, and also for the rest of the world. It’s not a protest. It’s elimination, for the good. Jed poured the gas all over his car, and threw the gas can to the side of the road. From the inside, it felt they were put on a coat, invisible and invincible, from God.

Jed shut the door behind him and walked to the trunk in the back. Blake watched him through the rearview mirror, but then Jed lifted the trunk and was blocked, so he looked at Scott, who’s looking out through the window, so hurt and sensitive, but also proven to be, evil. But he’s not the one to judge. For he, too, had fallen. So Blake turned back to look ahead, at their hometown, deeply asleep, a distance away, refusing to take them back in.

Did he think about himself that way when he’s a kid? Maybe not. When you were a kid, you didn’t think much about your feelings. And that’s one thing wonderful about kids: there’s no bull shit. He loved to tackle boys. When boys tried to kiss little girls and made them blush or cry, he tried to kiss the boys. But the grown-ups laughed it off, and said he’s merely doing that for attention, no one said it’s so wrong.

But he guessed it’s a different story now. He didn’t even know how. But as he grew, he slowly learned that there’s something different about him, that should be carefully revealed, hopefully to the likes of him, only.

Was Jed gay then? He must be. He fucked him. He had an erection and he fucked him and kissed him. He should have dared him before and forced him out to him. So they could spend more time together before today, as lovers, in bed, in garage, in car, but not as curious boys sneaking in his room, only touch but no contact. Maybe if he found out before, there wouldn’t even need to be today. He’d be content to grow up and move away, to the city, with Jed, and they could have their own family, in a place they would be completely accepted, as equals.

Jed closed the trunk, and poured gas over the car. Blake could hear the noise as the gas can hit the ground. There’s still hope. He believed, he believed in love.

Blake opened the door and walked out. He walked up to Jed.

“Jed,

He breathed.

“I love you. I love you, Jed.”

Then Blake put both his hands on Jed’s face and kissed him. Jed kissed him back, but pointed the gun to Blake’s head and fired.

The gunshot woke Rob from his sleep.

“What the hell was that?”

Rob asked. Scott saw it. But he didn’t say anything. Jed put Blake’s body back on the passenger’s seat, and walked back to his seat and shut the door. Jed pushed the lighter. Scott could see there’s a hole in Blake’s head, blood, and what’s inside, what’s left inside, his brain.

Scott’s first time was actually with Blake. It was in junior high. They were alone in the shower room. Blake was teasing him, slapping his ass with wet towel, and talking about size and girth. Blake asked him had he tried it before. Scott didn’t answer. The Blake offered to suck his cock. And Scott let him. Scott could still remember Blake looking up, and how he’s satisfied, that he finally knew how it’d feel like. Then he shot his load, inside Blake’s mouth, which he swallowed.

“Jesus, shit! What the fuck!”

“Sit tight, Rob. Or you’re next.”

Jed started the car, and started driving, with full speed. The car, was filled with the smell of gas.

“Shit! What the, shit! Man, I don’t wanna do this no more. Just let me out of the car. Shit! What the fuck are you doing? Oh, fucker, he killed Blake, he killed Blake! Shit!

Rob pulled at the door. It’s locked. He tried to open the window. It’s locked. Scott smelt urine. Rob wet his pants.

“Fuck! Stop the fucking car! I want out! Stop the car!

The lighter jumped. Jed pulled down the window. He threw the lighter at the windshield and set the car on fire.

“Shit! You’re crazy. You wanna fucking burn us alive. Shit! You mother fucker! Shit!”

Rob started banging on the window.

Scott saw Jed cry. Jed kept one hand on the wheel, one foot on the gas, but his head down, another hand covering his eyes. Jed sobbed. Scott could see his saliva dripping down his mouth. But he couldn’t see his face.

When the window finally broke, smoke crowded in, and the car was quickly set ablaze. The smoke choked them. Scott could hear Rob cough, and curse, cough, and curse, cough, and then scream, and then scream, higher and higher, till his voice got evaporated.

It was in fourth, or maybe fifth grade. Rob stole a chocolate bar and shared it with Scott. Scott’s dad just moved out the other day. Scott was upset, upset and frustrated, at the world he couldn’t understand. He was walking through the schoolyard to the classroom. Then Rob hollered out to him. Rob offered him the chocolate bar. Scott knew he stole it, so he reclined. But Rob said it would cheer him up. So he took it.

Rob’s parents also got divorced. Scott found that out when he went to Rob’s home later that afternoon. They played on the lawn, and he helped Rob wash his dog. What’s its name? When his pants got wet. Rob’s mother offered him Rob’s clean clothes. He put the underwear on, and felt cleansed and saved, and that things were going to be alright.

Scott could still see Rob’s face, handing out half of the chocolate bar he’d stolen, saying ‘here, here’.

Everything was engulfed by fire. Scott realized he’s always afraid of Jed. They were all afraid of Jed. Jed always seemed so righteous, and determined, on a dark quest, like the angel of death. But he couldn’t understand him. There was something about him that just seemed so inhuman. But then Scott reasoned it must be what held them together in this, as beasts.

Scott could no longer see, but he could feel, his skin, his eyes, his tongue, his flesh, quickly melt away, accompanied by this sharp unbearable great pain, that made him feel, for the first time in his life, waken. Scott thought of his underwear. He wished he had changed his mind and went back to get it from Blake’s car. For he now, would really like something to hold on to, something he knew would never change. And then he remembered: He was little. He was lying on the grass. It was summertime. And he was making a snow angel. And the sky, it was blue, but bright. And dad said, and dad said.