#6, memory

Dearest friends,

I wonder if everyone remembers his or her earliest memory.

I remember mine.

I was at my paternal grandparents'. My grandma was leaving to sell sweets on the street while my grandpa was to take care of me at home, no father nor mother at sight. it was broad daylight outside. I reached out my little arm for my grandma who always padded me on my back while trying to get me to sleep. I didn't want her to go out. I reached out my arm from the darkness. I can still see the tiny little fingers I had. I wanted her so badly. I started to remember.

There's a blank between that and my next memory. I am not even sure which it is. But slowly, and through time, I learned to use my mind, to take in things I cherished and loved. I remember the smell and texture of a certain rug, now long gone. And then, as I grew, I also learned to recognize things I feared. I remember my rabbit taken to the washing machine and came back utterly changed. I remember the violence and hatred.

I used to see my earliest memory as a memory of lost. But now, I like to see it as something to remind me of who I am. I was reaching out for love. And I still am. I only wish I won't learn to forget it.

My grandma passed away a year ago. She was not a saint, nor was she a woman of strong will. She was not educated at all, just as most of the women from her time. She didn't teach me great things. I am not even sure I know her that well. We were separated due to things I shouldn't bother you with. But although we grew apart, and we weren't there for each other when we needed one another the most, I still remember. I remember I once loved her dearly. And then I realized, that must be what people call "in loving memory." Ain't it?

I wonder if everyone has an earliest memory. Does he or she remember the same things as I do, more or less? Did it all start for the same reason? It's love and compassion that we have our history, a record of human lives that we don't want it to fade through time. It's love and compassion that we stop being toddlers and turn into humans. In this sentimental evening, I like to see it this way. I wish I won't forget that. And i wish I won't forget who I am, all the things I've taken in, good or bad.

Sincerely yours,